what julia writes

untitled

2006-06-22T00:06:00.000+08:00

untitled

On black and white
I am alight
While things sometimes slowly dim
My fingers search for what I can’t
These keys say more when life looks grim

The notes pour forth
And I am safe
At my piano’s mercy I am made
These hands lack a master’s touch
Yet within sweet music bad feelings fade

I remember now
That even he,
Before the beginning, made music for You then
His own tune grew too loud and he turned
Your magnificent worshipper had fallen

Teach me to hear
Your every note
I can’t stand to think of falling away
Show me my key and the time I need
I want to see You smile when I play

Held in Stillness

2006-05-31T10:46:00.000+08:00

Held in Stillness

When God holds you in the stillness of your heart, sadness can still wrap you, it cloaks you but you are safe through it, and it cannot harm you. I have these moments as all of you do. Lord, please stay with me, help me to be who I should no matter what.

no oven + insomnia= tagalog poetry

2006-05-30T02:48:00.000+08:00

no oven + insomnia= tagalog poetry

gulat ako, napatula ako bigla.haha. no oven + can't sleep = tagalog poetry hahaha.

this orig one's called Lunes...I haven't written tagalog in ages but I miss it...for everyone who hates weekdays...

LUNES

kapag sumilip ang liwanag
sa pagtulog na ni buwan
ako'y pakipot pang dumilat
bespren ko pa si unan

kamot kamot sa mata
konting hikab pang bitin
yoko pang malaman
kung wala na'ng bawat bituin

pag abot sa telepono
may konti pang dasal
na sana maaga aking bangon
kalayo pa ng almusal

ngunit sa sigaw na ng mga bata
na patakbo takbo doon
alam kong gising na ang linggo
Inaantay na ako ni sabon

Natapos din ang signal #2
sa loob ng banyong kyut
wag limutin ang mga kalat
dapat sa basura syut na syut

sa isang kwarto sa ciudad
na sa totoo'y napakaliit
ang simula ng bawat araw
nitong babaeng makulit

parang simple lang ang buhay
pero minsan sobrang hindi
alam naman natin kung bakit
lagi sa trabahong nagmamadali

kaya eto nalang ako bigla
nakaupo at napapaisip
marami palang masasabi
tungkol sa "kondo" kong masikip

Dating dati ang huling pagtula
mukhang naubusan na ng Ingles
Sa pagsusulat wala akong sawa
patapos na rin ang aking Lunes

Introspection

2006-05-17T01:23:00.000+08:00

I think God is pointing some things out to me about myself. I know we all have blind spots, and I'm thinking the parts I don't choose to see within my heart are the ugliest and most battered spaces within me. To look in there would be too painful or loathesome for me, but I have to face all those parts of me that keep me imprisoned or I'll never be free.

I think God Can Explain

2006-04-27T03:15:00.000+08:00

I think God Can Explain

There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that
I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you
to look me in the eyes

It's alright, I'm OK
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away

It's alright, I'm OK
I think God can explain
I'm relieved I'm relaxed
I'll get over it yet

The sent of vasoline
in the summertime
The feel of an icecube
Melting overtime
The world seems bigger
Than both of us
Yet it seems so small
when I begin to cry

It's alright I'm OK
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away

It's alright I'm OK
I think God can explain
I'm relieved I'm relaxed
I'll get over it yet.

I'm so much better than you guessed
I'm so much bigger than you guessed
I'm so much brighter than you guessed

I'ts alright I'm OK
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away

It's alright I'm OK
I think God can explain
I'm relieved I'm relaxed
I'll get off of your back

I think God can explain
I think God can explain
I think God can explain

Gentlelady

2006-03-29T23:15:00.000+08:00

Gentlelady

I need to spill some thoughts, not a lot, but some that haven't left me alone in the last weeks as I needed to generate some ideas. I just prayed. I'm glad some stuff has come out, I guess conceptualizing for Blessed, a women's movement at church is in a way filtering me.

For the last few years of my life I've taught myself to be tougher than necessary. I don't think it's what our heavenly Dad had in mind for his daughters, coz if it was why are most of us so sad when we fight for ourselves or harden our hearts towards our families? I'm particularly hard on myself, for a lot of things that aren't within my control. The Lord seems to be telling me now it's ok to be gentle & not bear burdens that aren't mine...coz He'll be strong for me when i need Him to be, I can trust Him. I wrote in my first draft concept:

"Eve was created to be a reflection of God’s heart. She exudes His tenderness and is a wellspring of emotion. Only in God’s heart do we find truth in the irony that in finding the courage to be gentle a woman of God can be stronger than most."

"In finding courage to be gentle", nowadays, lots of us girls need courage to stay gentle. Gentle doesn't necessarily connote "mahinhin" or a certain way of moving or talking. God made all women to be refreshingly unique. He made the introverts and extroverts, and we're all beautiful. I believe the word gentle refers to my heart's manner of showing God's love. Love is best recognized when it is displayed gently, it is never forced. I thought a lot about my brother, Joey, when I wrote the word gentle. Our age gap of 13 years sometimes has its way of making us forget that we're brother and sister. We're supposed to act like siblings, not cat and dog. Morning and night we get on each other's nerves, everything in between ok naman haha, pero when we wake up and when we get ready for bed, there's always something out of place. My brother, however, is the funny gentleman. In fact, he's the heartthrob of his class and he's not conscious of it. He couldn't care less. Many times I wish I was as sweet as him. I learn a lot from him. He's only 10 but he's listened to me cry about everything from the family to relationships from the time he was 7 yrs old. Unlike other kids his age, he listens to you like an adult, and even though you don't say anything, he will sense you're not ok.

My new prayer is that I unlearn what I taught myself. I realized I taught myself a lie of the enemy all these years, that if I don't fight for myself, no one will. God has already won the battle for me and is crushing that lie daily for me, and He's teaching me slowly to love those around me better, but I know I am still work in progress.

The Teacher of trust

2006-03-06T21:50:00.000+08:00

The Teacher of Trust

I often wonder why it is that daily, as we all mature, things we want, big or small, or even situations and problems in our lives become harder to lift up to God, and the more difficult part even is leaving it there with Him, trusting Him with ALL of it. It sounds simple lang pero lam naman natin na it doesn't feel simple for us. We're reminded repeatedly, at least those of us who believe in God's will for every good and perfect thing to come to pass. Yet, I still fear or agonize over the unknown. What do I do when I know how I should be, but deep inside my spirit is still restless?

I used to feel guilty about saying I trust Him then still having that feeling inside that I don't. I'd suddenly remember the words "come as you are" from many Christian songs and I'd break down lots of times knowing I have no choice but to come before God with my doubt, with my fear and whatever it is I want Him to take or trust Him for. I can only run to Him knowing that no matter how dirty I am He'll still embrace me...and even kiss me for coming to Him for answers and comfort.

A lot of people read Jeremiah 29:11. The familiar lines of this verse have comforted many through centuries. Recently, I found that reading the passage through all the way to verse 13 brings even more comfort than one expects to find in verse 11. For any of us who are searching and learning to trust, we can read and rest in His words.

"'For I know the plans that I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.

'And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11-13

This is me...

2006-03-02T01:19:00.000+08:00

You and me

I've realized that the bulk of what I've been writing has been about me loftily explaining what should and should not be for myself more than the reality of stuff I experience everyday, not that what I've been writing about was wrong or anything but I think it's time to downshift gears to a simpler entry this time. Just me.

I wake up in my little room in the city. Yes that's all it is, what can I say?! That and a bathroom wherein the shower is so near the toilet you could shampoo while...well, you could multi-task if you choose to HAHAHAHA, I'll go that far. It's pretty cozy, just enough space to go home to and rest in. We usually don't take breakfast since civilization for me and my soon-to-be ex roomie Kim is just a few blocks on the way to work.

I usually get to work all fresh, hair wet if I didn't choose to be girly and blowdry it into shape. While the smell of great shampoo and sweet lotion still lingers about me I feel it's another beautiful morning until work tumbles down on me. If there's no work just yet I ease through the office checking who's arrived and who hasn't, and make my daily round of hello's and how are you's. When nothing comes in, usually He calls me, gives me a little tug inside and says "Chika muna tayo." hehehe! No kidding sometimes it really sounds like that to me...as familiar as a workmate, my best friend, Who's just arrived and wants to hear from me. I take out my horsie journal and little Bible, and begin writing to Jesus. Funny sometimes i get the idea it's like for example I'm the mute person...who can't talk out loud...so God's beside me and I'm writing it out for Him as I would want to speak to Him hehe, I wouldn't want my officemates witnessing me monologue outloud just like that hahahaha. All those open doors would be shut hehe!

On paper I pour out my jokes (yes, I try to make God laugh with my ka-cornihan...as if noh, malay niyo! try niyo, wag lang bastusan ha), my joys, my fears, my hopes and dreams, my trials, my praises, and many many times, my questions. Within the pages of my journal I find comfort in communing with my King, and I find favor with Him when I do. He cares about the small things just as much as the big things. I know He's the God Who cares that I want the cheese in my Burger King Mushroom Swiss melted till the edges wrinkle and go over the edge of the beef pattie, alam Niya yun I'm telling you, and He knows it matters to me.

Sometimes I pray about the pettiest things, and even when you don't expect to answer, He does. He knows you want that bus to wait, He knows you want to get to that building on time, He knows you want that job, He knows you need this much to be able to get that, He knows you need this person to not misunderstand, He knows you need to stay awake to make the deadline, or pass that test, He knows He knows He knows...so why not bring it to Him in prayer anyway? So when people ask me sometimes bout certain things "You even pray about that??" I'm like "Yeah, alam niya naman e, but He likes it more when I bring it to Him." I wonder why some people limit their God thinking He has too much to do, why bother Him pa daw. Kaya nga God e...give Him credit for Who He is, if you need or want something, yes He even listens to your wants, let's bring it to Him.

I feel a lot. A LOT. Sometimes, I wonder Why God just jampacked so much...much...heart&emotion into this small package. I have so much to submit EVERYDAY. A lot of times I feel like I can't contain myself, the good or the bad...tends to burst out, hopefully more good. Everything just...explodes or combusts for me inside, whether something great happens, something sad, something scares me, I want something, I hope for something, I wait for something...any of that is so hard to contain inside of me. I either have to write, sing, share with someone, pray, cry, or yes in some cases...clean the bathroom with a passion. I do that. I know He made me like this for a purpose, hopefully soon I'll find out why in a big way.

So that's a lot of me in this article...and the mosquitoes have just about chewed halfway around my ankles so for now I can't say anything more. Lord, reassure me about things You have in store for me. Lord, I pray for the person reading this that You bless him or her in a mighty way and reassure him or her that we are all equals at the foot of the cross, all work in progress, but nonetheless You love us all the same, the do gooders, those who try, and those who fail...You love us all the same. We all need You to fill our big and small in-betweens, no matter what they may be, broken hearts, broken families, lost jobs, lost finances, lost loved ones, lost hope...You can fill the gaps in our hearts. I pray blessing over the person reading this and may he or she find comfort in seeking You and Your beautiful plan. I love you, God. This chronic pain in my right ear now, You care about that, too. Please make it better. Goodnight.

Learning

2006-02-24T18:40:00.000+08:00

In my last article, work got the best of me. I was pressed. Pressed really hard because of all these deadlines. I got desperate. I read in a book that my best friend gave me that "blessed women are not desperate". There is no need to be desperate no matter what situation with the knowledge that God will see you through.

The last few projects were extremely challenging stress-wise. I'm just glad that now God is slowing things down at work...I need the rest, though there are still are ongoing projects they're not rush projects, thank God. Be blessed, people ^v^.

ElastiGurrl

2006-02-19T19:58:00.002+08:00

Ever been pushed to the limit mentally, physically, emotionally...and spiritually? Yes, that sentence didn't use "or", I used "and" specifically coz I mean all these limits put together as one big combo of stress. I'm sure we're all familiar with the times when everything just seems to collide, work, family, relationships...church even. Things seem to spin out of control and you're caught in the eye and can't get out. It's the place where you wait and ask God to move things for you because you just can't.

I'm here, and lots of things are spinning around me. I know a breakthrough is in store after something like this...and I'll be smooth sailing with joy and peace again, and have God smile on me for being faithful. These times I feel Jesus right beside me with every move I feel I might not be able to make. He is fighting this for me. I am safe, I am loved, and nothing can ever change that (Romans 8:38-39) and He has good things waiting for me up ahead, I just have to diligently take care of what I've been given, and listen to His voice with every step.

There is some pain He is dealing with in my heart now. He's working through it for me and will clear things as He sees fit. He's working on a beautiful plan for my life and though things seem difficult now, I just need to persevere at what He has given me to do, and stay rooted in His Word. I'm so tired, right now even a bit sad, someone send me back to Lagos del Sol hayy. He knows the groans of our heart even when we are too tired to pray, like I am now. Lord see me through this and bless me, You have already overcome this time of testing. Thank you, You are so wonderful to me.

Torete

2006-02-03T08:59:00.000+08:00

Torete

No, I don't mean the song, just the word itself. It's supposed to mean something similar to the word "giddy", dizzy with thought...something like that. It's pinoy slang or something, in Pinoy Slang - brown language revolution it's defined as "nawala sa tamang pag-iisip" or in English to stray from a right frame of mind. I'm not sure if the word originally connotates romantic interest, all I know is that's how it was used in the song I posted before.

This piece of slang sums me up in 6 letters, 3 consonants and 3 vowels. I think excessively, so much so that I make myself dizzy with thought. I stress myself. In the last few years this problem has peaked and now plateaued but by His grace I am able to deal with it by praying and submitting all my 21 million worries to Him. My friends always tell me "You've thought bout it, you've concluded, you don't have to start at the beginning again", something to that effect.

I think (allow me to, just for this, hehe)it has to do with past hurts and the lie that if at least I think about the worst coming each time there's something I can't quite figure out...it may curb some of the pain, which I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW is wrong. It's a defense mechanism of the heart that just goes on and off, but Jesus wants our hearts open ready to love anyone and everyone, no matter what. He wants our hearts vulnerable for Him. He asks us to guard our hearts, but we are asked to love. How unique He is...what could He possibly mean in asking us to do both? I think it means we guard it from sin and everything unrighteous so that the love we are commanded to show others comes from a pure source. Hehe, I'm excited to learn more bout what He can do with this heart of mine...I feel it stretching, it aches, but that ache inside makes me want to run to Him, and I think that's a very good thing.

Want it? Get over it.

2006-01-31T17:21:00.001+08:00

The Christian irony of wanting

One of the most radical principles I've been learning to work at in following Jesus is the principle involving personal desire. We know that not all our desires are in line with God's, whether it be financial, career-related, or in certain relationships. I've realized over the years that in wanting something so badly, we often steal from ourselves in the longrun, missing out on so many things God wants to prosper us in.

My new line to live by that I have taken from meditating and applying verses is this, "want it? get over it!". It's not yours to have until it's been given to you. Over ba? Why God why ba? I've shared this with friends who squirm and yelp when something they want seems to be witheld from them, I've also shared this with myself heehee, time and time again. I realized that everything good that could possibly come our way is God's first before our own. We have to accept with joy and trust that He wants to give us good things, and no one knows exactly what we want like He does, not even we know what we want half of the time.

Recently I've been experiencing this cycle of giving to receive, letting go to gain, and holding loosely to trust. Each time we go overboard with what takes up most of our priorities, He will take away so that we may seek Him again and trust.

Just when my flat began to seem like home, a change stares me in the face. With good reason, my roommate has to leave by the end of the month. See? Just when we get comfortable, He wakes us up so we prepare again for new things, so we trust Him again to make good things happen. I began to worry about all the bills once she leaves but I know if God truly wants me to keep this apartment, which I know I need, He will provide finances and He will provide a friend who can stay with me.

Where to, Lord?

2006-01-26T02:48:00.000+08:00

Where to, Lord?

I know God wants me somewhere specific. Through the years as a Christian, I've come to see God move in different people. I've seen people doing God related work and yet don't seem to feel that they're where they're supposed to be, and they refuse to question where they are for fear of being uprooted from a comfy routine/space they've made for themselves. I've seen other people even just outside of their church fulfilling His purposes daily, minute by minute, second after second just growing, learning, and improving the atmosphere around them for His glory.

It has been my heart's desire even as a young girl in highschool to find myself at home in my church, wherever that was at the time. I envied my best friend, who happened to be the daughter of an admin person at one of the most established evangelical churches in the city. She grew up in church, helping her mother, and in turn they got their feeding, as much of it as they wanted. It was as if at any time, she could open a door right next to her and she'd be in the band, or in the choir, or head of a camp project, or retreat. Her parents communed with the church. They had Bible studies at home and they were nourished by the community.

We moved several times over the years and I won't hesitate to say that as a family it's like we're starting over after all the trials. A new home, a new community, a new church...not to mention...a whole New Life? Hehe. Right now I'm faced with decisions on where to dedicate my productivity in church, and how much of it He wants me to give. It would be easy for any church leader to say "Of course He wants everything you can give to the church, don't spare a drop." but that may not be the totality of His purpose for me at this point in my life. My mother believes He wants me to bring glory to Him outside of the church, in my career, but I feel...it's just too easy to dismiss serving in church. I have something to give to my church. I need to know what it is exactly. Right now, I'm hoping it's in the realm of music, the worship team, coz I love singing. Of course I need to discern, because reality is my job doesn't have the best hours. With faith and wisdom together...I'll make my decision.

I seek relevance.

Song Savvy

2006-01-21T02:07:00.000+08:00

Song Savvy

Torete by Moonstar88 was for 2005 and still is for 2006 my fave OPM song to sing, amazing!! Not like it was released in 2005, it's much older than that. Wonder how long before I'll be sick of it. Hehe,wala lang just felt like postingggg. Fave song to listen to at the moment is Eheads' Ligaya. Yes, enjoying past hits. They're still good. Inisip ko, for some of them, parang silang adobo or lechon paksiw, sumasarap with each passing day, naks, haha! Wag lang sana mapanis.

Torete
Moonstar88
Sandali na lang
Maari bang pagbigyan
Aalis na nga
Maaari bang hawakan ang iyong mga kamay
Sana ay maabot ng langit ang iyong mga ngiti
Sana ay masilip

Refrain:
Wag kang mag-alala
Di ko ipipilit sa 'yo
Kahit na lilipad ang isip ko'y torete sa 'yo

Ilang gabi pa nga lang
Nang tayo'y pinagtagpo
Na parang may tumulak
Nanlalamig, nanginginig na ako

Akala ko nung una
May bukas ang ganito
Mabuti pang umiwas
Pero salamat na rin at nagtagpo

Chorus
Torete, torete, torete ako
Torete, torete, torete sa 'yo

Repeat Refrain

Torete, torete, torete ako
Torete, torete, torete ako

Repeat Chorus

Torete, torete, torete sa'yo

Joy

2006-01-18T19:59:00.000+08:00

Inner Joy

Nothing. I just want to praise God. Right here, right now, I am content and brimming with joy. I can't wait to be more for Him. ^v^

A Cut Above the Rest

2006-01-16T18:56:00.000+08:00

haircut
Originally uploaded by whenjuliasays.

A Cut Above the Rest!

Yes, I had a good several inches lopped off. I've never had my hair this short since I was 3 years old, believe it or not.

It's slightly shorter than the reference I gave but with good reason. For it to grow out properly just as in the pic I showed my stylist he had to make sure all the layers were correct in a shorter hairdo first.I'm pretty happy with it, just getting used to all the different reactions of people.

What bathroom is this? Haha, at our apartment, I WISH!! HAHAHA, oh for an apple green door and suitable tiles...no, this was at the taken in ladies room at work.

Homies

2006-01-16T18:13:00.000+08:00

Image(030).jpg
Originally uploaded by whenjuliasays.

This was taken almost one year ago with my homies at the office (from left,Mylene, moi, Kim and Win). I'm testing Flickr, a database to which you can upload pics from your phone using MMS. Blogger is also Flickr's affiliate so I'm testing this.

update blues...

2006-01-14T01:19:00.000+08:00

Short lang toh, hehe. I just found out I can't post and publish new blogspot entries from the office...hassle! Bad trip talaga. That infernal firewall at the office doesn't trust the updating and publishing of new posts on blogger, which is odd coz I was able to do so before, not even the adjusting and republishing of the template is allowed all of a sudden.

Hassle lang, coz it's usually at work when my train of thought shoots off track every now and then. Therefore, in light of any wayward mental activity, we shall revert to my best friends, pen and paper, till the very end for drafts to stay up to date. Pen and paper enabling the thorough updating of a journal on the world wide web, fancy that.

Quite tight but I managed.

2006-01-05T11:09:00.002+08:00

Did you think I was talking about money? Hehe. I was referring to the project I popped off about in my last entry. Well, so far I managed. It merely required 3 nights of early sleep and 3 dawn alerts to be able to submit on time. I really do hope our company wins this series pitch. It would be a great to see my income bloom in abundance compared to last year.

Searching...

2006-01-03T05:43:00.000+08:00

I've been quite disappointed with myself in the last few days. No, it's not one of those self-pity moments, it's more of I don't know what to do with myself and I don't trust myself as I used to.

I just got back to Manila yesterday. It was supposedly my last day of leave and I wanted to be able to spend the first day back at the city preparing for today, my first day of work for 2006. I did just that, but then it was suddenly communicated to me last night that there was a certain part of an unfinished project from last year that was already being requested from me, and the instructions of that part weren't even finalized by our director that time! People were looking for me on my day of leave, I even passed by the office earlier in the afternoon, but those very people didn't ask me anything or tell me anything when I was there! Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that sort of an emergency, that I should have not been on leave, but I turned it into my own personal emergency the very minute someone contacted me.

This was not what I wanted to start the year with. I felt the urgency pumping in my veins because I had not yet finished the segment that was being asked of me because to my knowledge, it wasn't finalized yet. I sent SMS messages out, I made phone calls, but the people involved weren't answering me last night. "Breathe, Julia, breathe," I thought, as I paced my apartment thinking whether I should start walking to the office last night even though I was on leave to work on whatever it was. Of course the idea of immediate prayer eluded me that very moment. I messaged my mom, and she said she and my little brother back at home were praying for me.

Within this entire scenario, my emotions began to take its toll on me. My co-artist finally picked up on his mobile and said that, it wasn't as urgent as I thought it was, but there indeed was a part I had to finish for the editor and it wasn't as if the director would kill me if I didn't complete it. The reason no one was contacting me was coz there had been a new meeting and suddenly everything we thought we were supposed to complete was suddenly suspended in mid-air and subject to change. That phone call subdued my panic, then deep inside I suddenly began to question whether I was still fit for my job or losing my professional edge.

My thoughts drifted, and I began to see myself as nothing of importance, first to my company, then to the world. These feelings were all-too-familiar to me. I knew I was no where near being one of the better effects artists in my generation, I was still hesitant to play, hesitant to burst forth with groundbreaking talent and skill, I only played with the programs when a project came, so unlike those true blue artists I graduated with. Of course someone told me that it shouldn't feel that I have to at all. If it were a truly genuine phase in my life, it would just come and I wouldn't be thinking of consciously excelling I'd just do it.

I asked God to forgive me for certain things as I scribbled over my journal in anguish last night. I asked Him to forgive me for losing my focus and taste for excellence, and why did everything suddenly feel like a task? Everything felt required of me. I told Him I wanted to know what it is exactly that He wants me to be. I suddenly remembered one semester in my senior year in college when I was the total opposite of what I am now. I was calculated, organized, and sharp. My groupmates admired me for how organized I was with my personal and academic schedule. Post-its were my friends, planners got filled up, notes were highlighted, to-do lists were checked off, my readings were filed, I was attentive in class...I was one productive lady. Then God struck me with dengue fever during midterms and everything just fell apart. I knew it was Him, it had to be. I arrived back at school in time just before finals physically weak from the blood disease and unable to climb long flights of stairs without stopping at every landing and asking God to help me get to my classroom. Then I realized, He wanted me to submit the heart of my living to Him. Taking glory in my self-reliance displeased Him.

As I tried to reflect on this past experience, I tried to see it the same way now. I messaged an aunt of mine on a different personal issue I was facing wherein my desires seemed to be overwhelming me and yet God was requiring me to trust Him for everything. She responded "This revelation to you is wisdom from above, Julia. God allows all the powerful emotions and yet He calls us to restrain, to submit. If the emotions were not so strong, we would have nothing to submit." I sighed with the acknowledgement of my aunt's wisdom.

I submit to You, Lord. I know You are humbling me and making clear to me that I am so far from where I should be. Quiet my heart, and give me a teachable spirit and the joy to complete in faith what I must do daily, which is live only for You. Enable me to do what I must today.

No need to worry.

2005-12-31T21:48:00.000+08:00

As of this moment, I know that whatever past hurts I have had are gone. My Maker has healed me and given me a new heart to face the future with. Sometimes, though even in knowing this, traces of the shortcomings of my character still show. I still worry about a lot of things, particularly about new opportunities that could go wrong or that I could mess up unintentionally. However, it is good that I am reminded by those close to me that nothing, no mistake I could ever commit even repeatedly, can ever foul up God's will for my life as long as my heart is steadfast in Him in the process. He sees our hearts and when it is that we truly try to please Him.

There are many blessings at the moment that I do not deserve, but by His grace and loving kindness I was given them. For the new, I have no way of imagining how they found their way into my life other than by God's hand, and others I've already had for the longest time and only have begun to appreciate them in the last few months. God give me the wisdom and prudence to do with these blessings, old and new, as You will. My cup runneth over and I cannot help but smile at all He has done in my life. This is what I account for on the last day of 2005. Happy New Year, everyone ^v^.

"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."
2 Corinthians 5:17

Countdown

2005-11-21T19:07:00.000+08:00

I feel in my most inner parts that He's preparing me for the best part of my life yet. I'm on the brink of experiencing the greatness of His power. My life is situated at the very base where the incline begins to climb towards an unfathomable peak. Too many key people have had a good word for me in the last days, though not on anything specific, each has contributed to one sure thing, I'm on the verge of experiencing the very core of His glory in my life.

Right now, I have to pray harder than ever, a late bloomer as I am, I will find what it is He wants me to obssess about, to put my hands to. To discover what will be my umbrella purpose for the rest of my days is the next thing at hand. I have to pray harder, run faster, live fuller. I slip and slide, but I will look forward to Him and move with a speed that will leave all doubt, all fear, all weakness, and all sorrow behind.

New friends come, and still...old friends remain...

2005-11-15T01:07:00.000+08:00

Ei guys, so my last post had a whole bunch of new wunnerful peeps from camp who've fast become my newest friends. This time around we have the opposite. These are my comrades in life, in the Spirit, and in love. We wore uniforms, passed notes, served detention, passed and failed, crushed and cried, lived and loved together in highschool, worshipped and still worship one God. My C.H.A. friends. Mike, front and not so center, is leaving us for Australia. that already adds up to 3 beloved guys of our group living across miles and miles of ocean. We will miss you, Mike, and we'll remember your Magic...Mic HAHAHAHAHA! We weren't complete here, one day we will be. I speak it in Jesus' name. Click the pix:

Mike

Pichur!

Quartet Malupet

Kulit

Shot at camp!

2005-11-09T00:38:00.000+08:00

From left:Camille, Dawn, Moi,and Val

Yes we were shot, every single one of us. For a Christian retreat that lasted 3 whole days that place was teeming with narcissism let me tell you. It was glorious fun and I'll never ever forget the wonderful experiences we shared while bunked up at Lagos Del Sol. God's hand was on that place, I'm sure even the earthworms of the area were squirming with the Holy Spirit.

I'm glad I joined this year's camp. Will never forget my tribemates and all the wonderful friends I made ^v^ A more detailed account to follow. CLICK TO VIEW these pics:

Bound in Blood.

Tres Marias

Hayyy...

Breakfast Babes

Royalty

Camille & I

Tribal Love

Yeah I know I KNOW. No pics of what we did at camp. I told you, New Life failed, vanity ruled. Hahaha kidding. I shall scout around for pics taken by more persistent camera owners.

fade to black

2005-10-26T17:27:00.000+08:00

I've decided to disappear from the internet for awhile. I think I need time to think about some things, rethink my life goals and what exactly it is God wants me to do for Him. I have to pray about the kind of woman He wants me to be. Call it an internet fast if you wish but I shall not be on instant messenger services for awhile. I shall only come on to check and respond to email.

I'm also praying about giving up certain PC games I own for leisure that only add to my hours of idleness even though they help me relax. Life being so short, every minute should count. There will be more time to read, create, and reflect. So tata to all of you for now. Till whenever. It's possible when I come back to socialize on cyberspace...whether early next year or end of this year. This site will be renovated.

Oh my, oh my

2005-10-26T13:56:00.000+08:00

This quiz was courtesy of Yelle's last entry in her blog "Writing With Light". Amazing, we're both Sonnet 17.

Which poem are you?

Sonnet 17 by Pablo Neruda

Aw, you're a romantic. You believe in true love and all that sort of stuff. How cute are you? To you, love is incredible and amazing.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Worry Wart

2005-10-20T23:35:00.000+08:00

I realize that half of how I live consists of worrying about myself. It's amazing to know how much weight you unintentionally burden your own soul with that only God needs to be in charge of. Constantly, I'm a disappointment to me. Self-reliance kills.

For a few months now, though financially independent I see myself go through the motions of a weekly routine. I come to the city, get all cozy at our place, spruce up my comp, keep close ties tight through the net, laze at the apartment, report for work (that sometimes isn't there), go out, spend money, come home, chat again with buds, and sleep late. That was a lot, but it all seems pretty bland. There is more to life than this.

I'm happy our family has gotten into weekly tennis. It's one of the few real things humans are supposed to be doing that I get to look forward to towards the tail end of a week of work. I go home to a lush, scenic community and get to play tennis with the people I love.

With regard to my physical attributes, I'm hardly satisfied. I'm slim yeah, yeah, but I could be more confident, more out there if I pumped up to even just two levels above healthy. I wish I could picture a new me, it would make it easier to save for that gym package I've been longing to have. A healthier me will hopefully be equivalent to a more effective me.

I hope that soon if not immediately I shall be able focus my energy on goals that matter. A good friend told me that maybe the reason why I can't seem to redirect my worries is because there is attention I owe myself in the area of self-improvement. Next step, getting this Temple of the Holy Ghost into tip-top shape!

Close to home

2005-09-30T02:41:00.000+08:00

I remember this part in the book Little Women by Louisa May Alcott where Professor Baehr tells Jo March to write about what is closer to her heart. It's one of my favorite parts. It's the part where you realize every account you poured over in the earlier pages came to be because of a brave girl named Josephine March and her courage to share the story of her family. The doubt that I think she faced with the idea of undertaking the authoring of her life with her sisters was that she might not be able to articulate it as astutely and intimately as she would expect something so precious to be. To tell truth as we remember living it...I will try to do that now. I daren't be forward as to be Jo and complete a whole book, I wish I could now, but I guess I can share what I have in this nutshell of an online journal entry. Ok, a big nutshell of an entry.

The happiest moments of my life I remember happening at school. My school, Christian Harvest Academy, had a population of around 100 or slightly more students. It was a co-ed school that was not of a conventional nature academically. We worked using the Accelerated Christian Education system, a curriculum that utilized the use of activity packs and promoted self-progress and goal completing in the student. Students answered and scored their own work at designated scoring tables where we were monitored. Diligent students got ahead, lazy or passive students lagged behind. It was as simple as that. It was actually a home-schooling system that was adopted for a bigger group of students all put together in one house, us.

More than the curriculum or the teaching system, I think the biggest as in biggest and strongest foundation the school had was an impenetrable love for Jesus Christ as well as the students. We were cared for, we cared for each other, and we were taught the truth. Many of us realize it now more than back then, having felt the beatings of life's gusty winds and the superficial friendship of the world with us. There's always a yearning to go back. You hit a low point, a CHA memory passes, and a soul ache ensues, "I wish things could be as they were before, like in CHA."

The memories are as clear to me as this computer screen is. Every live experience stained vividly: the blow of the dawn breeze, the humming of the cars arriving, the humidity at line-up, the buzz of the bell, the smell of each other's shampoos and moist grass early in the morning, the disapproving voice of teachers who knew us like mothers…teachers who called us by our first names not our surnames, the gust of the air-conditioning as we entered our classrooms, the sound of the chairs moving as we unpacked our things, the soft feel of my crisp white blouse, the creak of my desk as I set my things down, the hand of a fellow classmate asking for something they lacked, the gathering together round the table at Scripture devotions. As students of this school, it seemed like we only knew love. We didn’t realize it back then, and we complained a lot about being inferior as compared to bigger schools, but now, most of us realize being in CHA would be as close to heaven as some of us would ever get in this life. There was no place on earth like it, and we would only be in it once as children and move on.

We had individual white desks that formed rows and each desk was flanked on either side by a divider, we looked like a national voting school come to think of it. The top of each desk was punctured with two holes where we planted either the small Philippine flag or Christian flag, the Philippine flag being for permission to go to the bathroom or run an errand outside the classroom, and the Christian flag for requesting for academic help. We enjoyed sliding notes to each other under the dividers and we trusted each other enough to sometimes even relay pass notes that indicated “Please pass to Alma, 2nd office from the corner of the Romans Learning Center.” Our sections were named after books of the New Testament and the classrooms were called Learning Centers. You had the Corinthians (the babies) 1st Grade to 2nd Grade, the Colossians 3rd Grade to 4th Grade, the Galatians 5th grade, the Ephesians 6th-7th Grade, and the Philippians and Romans making up 1st-4th year high school. At the center of each classroom was a normal table, like a dining table actually where we took our tests in front of our class supervisors. In the mornings we had our “pacework” at our individual offices with the activity packs that included math, English, Word building, social science, and science and in the afternoons we had our enrichment classes which were more like the conventional classes other schools offer, that consisted of textbooks, a teacher giving the lesson, class activities, and a trip to a different classroom.

We were truly family. The boys took care of the girls and respected them, while still managing to inject a lot of cheap shots, humor, drama and irritating incidents into our lives, in other words while still being boys. The girls were inseparable and all motherly, each in their own way if I try to recall now we always seemed to have something the boys needed in our bags or pockets. Everyone had their own closer groups, but on most occasions, we were one big group that lived life to the fullest in a conservative Christian environment. I speak for the high school gang. School crushes and romances were not uncommon, in fact under such an environment though being highly discouraged to form couples, teens still somehow managed to be teens and have close relationships with the opposite sex, romantic or not. I’ll say no more, dum-dee-dum-dum. Through anything however, we felt we were under this protective Spiritual blanket, for some of the guys in particular it was horrid cause guys always get bored, but generally everyone felt at home. Everyone felt like they weren’t supposed to be anywhere else once all friends were together talking and laughing, in class or outside school.

To be continued...yes, this will be one article and will be longer, but I want to share this part with the online world already.

Flatmates!

2005-08-11T15:40:00.000+08:00

Introducing Julia and Kim! Yes, that's me and my roomie right there, simulated in 3D. Most people close to me know that I'm a sucker for the game the SIMS, now SIMS 2. I use the game also as a graphic tool because you can take snapshots and video clips using the camera tool of the game. CLICK TO VIEW these pics:

heller?

dishes...

banyo queen

As if!

Stupid Star

2005-06-20T13:23:00.000+08:00

A shot of our sleeping area in our new flat. Pic courtesy of Kim.

My soul is on a roll…and yet another literary outpouring…

Stupid Star

I see you twinkle
You see me sparkle
Two stars, two different constellations
Embroidered on one vast tapestry of sky
Though we be but pinpoints
Together we illumine space
Constantly pretty, celestially fine
As scattered diamonds we dress the night
Fixed where I am
I wander still
Off into dreams of us side by side
Yet know we do not light the same picture
How would it be?
I think alone
If the difference of our heavenly coordinates
Should cease in number between us and bring us closer…

I begin to dim
As reality looms over fantasy
In my senseless gallivanting should a black hole find me
Would the heavens lessen in majesty short of one?
My constellation
Would fail to be

To forget who I am is galactic stupidity
So I am content sharing this universe with you

Solitude

2005-06-10T10:05:00.000+08:00

I thought I would be spending the rest of last night by myself at our new Makati pad. Yes, I moved in with a friend of mine from work, Kim, one of our editors. After a week of arguing with mom, I finally did it last Saturday. I officially moved to my first weekday flat 2 blocks from the production house where I work.

Kim came back last night a few hours later than I did, but prior to that,thinking I'd be alone the whole time, I enjoyed the solace our new little abode offered and wrote this little piece.

High
On my own
But not alone
Beneath levels of concrete carrying my kind
I find
Myself
At the mercy of beautiful tunes
And thoughts earlier held captive
Now cascading onto paper
Wrapping me in the sweetness of solitude

As I bask in rays of sound
My soul lies prostrate
In surrender to the moment
I pay lyrics no mind
In the attempt to vividly paint in verse
The picture of a heart content, ripe with joy

If bestowed favor were a fragrance
It would shut eyelids
Widen the creases of our smiles
And overwhelm us with the memory of redemption
I breathe it in and my pulse races
I remember and my spirit soars

Seated plainly at a blue plastic table
I am lit up
Aglow in the world

2005-06-03T10:56:00.000+08:00

No one breaks my heart more everyday than our pet terrier, Jack.
Everyone knows I love animals, I’ve loved them ever since my tender years,
and when I love a pet, it’s no ordinary love. People can wonder time and
time again why I pour my heart out over these…creatures, and I can honestly
say, I don’t know, I just love them, and I’m better at it with them than with people. With Jack, I’ve gone extra miles in terms of acceptance, patience,
and even forgiveness, and well right now I don’t know what to do anymore.

He tumbled into our lives at a most toxic point 2 years ago. We were in
a rented home and well beneath a tall stack of domestic issues. Our lives
were messy and careless, and we had decided to give dad a cute Jack Russell
Terrier for a birthday present. None of us kids objected of course.

Like every pet that has come through this family, he got premium care,
food, and shelter, not to mention mounds of affection. I managed to train
him to sit and beg for food with a small bark on signal. Discipline however
was never regular unless I was around and just about when he was almost a
year old, we stopped paying attention to the books about rearing this
particular breed. He grew as expected, hyperactive, intelligent, and
obstinate with no routine to follow or proper discipline and he developed
a terrible habit of barking unnecessarily and jumping most especially at
visitors. He was also quite the escape artist, most unfortunate in terms
of his safety. He became quite the PIA (pain in the ass).

To make matters worse, the following year we moved into an even smaller
place, my cousin’s town house, where Jack’s only window to the world was
the kitchen door with bars across. During this time, our family problems multiplied, and Jack, kept visitors on their toes at every visit. My
cousin’s friends hated him, and I received death threats for him on a weekly
basis. The whole effect on me was awful. With us, he was the almost perfect
pet. To even try and let someone in on that would change the whole picture completely and turn to disaster. The thought that would now cross the mind
of every visitor to our home was “Oh no, that damn dog is there.” I took to
running after him at the buzz of the doorbell, carrying him, pulling him away
from the guests, punishing him with a slipper, tying him up, lecturing him…
no one did this with more vigor than I. To my dismay, he grew even more
aggressive, disobedient, and incorrigible. Nothing I had tried to teach him
before would stick and there was nothing worse for me than having to explain
why he was such a handful and getting responses like “Oh ok, yeah sure…really?”
that most probably meant “Your dog’s just terrible…why would you keep one like
that?”

We’ve moved further down south now away from the city, and I guess it was too
much to expect that his attitude would totally improve. He is now 2 years old
and still celibate. He still likes to run away if he gets the chance and he is horribly territorial about the house. To guests, he’s probably one more reason
why they wouldn’t want to come so far to visit us.

When he disappoints me now, which is whenever there are people or when I know
they are coming…it triggers my depression. There was an incident where he was really horny, yes, it’s absolutely ridiculous, and he was bullying all the cats
and in my trying to convince him not to he bit me, and that day, well, I
believed all hope was lost, which is silly but…nothing hurt more than that bite,
and it wasn’t as if I bled or anything or that it was a major wound, something
else hurt, something hurt that was much deeper. Tears flowed and I fell silent after managing to utter “It hurts.” Mom immediately sensed that for some odd
reason I was very affected. Call it funny, but they tried to console me by referring to sexual instinct and how it affects dogs and turns them into
aggressive pets that we don’t know and how the same applies to people as well.
I went away and wept by myself and even prayed past the pain. Whatever it was shrouded me in hurt that I couldn’t understand and made me feel stupid. Mom
came to me and asked if I felt betrayed, because she believed it wasn’t just
about the dog. I didn’t know at all really, all I knew was…at that moment I
wanted Jack to be sent away.

My mother detests animals, but I guess over the years she developed a
significant level of acceptance for pets that are loved as part of the family.
She even believes in treating them fairly in any situation. As I sobbed, she
told me I shouldn’t hold it against Jack, because he is just a dog and I
couldn’t expect the world from him considering how he was raised without the cooperation of the whole family. I didn’t understand what I was feeling and
felt idiotic about everything. To this day, all I know is it still cuts me when
he does something he’s not supposed to, which is practically almost all the time…
and more often than not, I usually have to go away to shed my bitter tears in silence. The origin of pain may run much deeper than a naughty dog that runs
my patience to the ground. Evidently among all our pets, I’ve come to love him
the most, even more than our two perfectly behaved cats.

When I begin to cry about Jack, I cry through the night and wake up sore the
next day. It takes awhile for me to calm down and almost nothing makes me feel better. Obviously something happened earlier that produced this entire entry.
I am in tears again, and half of me wished he had never come into our lives, the pathetic half of me that is, while the other half wished I had been Wonder
Woman during our hard times and just beat the pulp out of myself in training
him during those years. This is more than Jack I guess, and whatever it is
really about can’t be beyond me. In time, I’ll find out what it is. Maybe
if I invested as much time thinking about other people in this way, the way I
bother about this dog, I’d be a better person. I don’t know. I don’t know
exactly how to do that.

Passion in Place

2005-05-13T09:57:00.000+08:00

Horsing around at the office a day before my birthday.

The last track was Sonic Flood singing “Open the Eyes of My Heart” down an open road as my hand cradled my iPod. Earlier, there was an internal choice between a few sappy but splendid OPM tunes or equally moving tracks with a completely different message. Sooner than expected, nearing the Mamplasan Exit my thumb consciously gave way to the latter, even though I had just about reached the chorus with Moonstar 88. I began a different song with Jaci Velasquez.

“Lord you know my heart…and all my desires…”

The song speaks of purity while being single (chuckles), a song that would most certainly die an early death on today’s music charts and that most people would rather not hear or would hear but not necessarily consider “practical” or “for real”. Truth be told, despite the extraordinary manner in which I was raised or even everything I knew for myself, I believed back then that it was not attainable to live by the entire meaning of that song considering the position of my heart at the time.

“…and the secret things I’ll never tell…Lord, you know them well.”

As I sang that very piece at my best friends’ debut (not wedding, hehe)…my heart was nowhere near the promise the song was about. You know what’s freaky? I didn’t even manage to sing it well that night, no matter how hard I tried or practiced a week to that day. Awkwardness, several close friends thought that I would.

Off duty moments with the gang, 1 Jogs & I low batt 2 Lester Winston & Kim share puppy faces 3 A candid moment with the boys there are three in there.

“Though I may be young, I see and understand that at times like sheep, we go astray and things get out of hand…”

“So I promise to be true to You,
to live my life in purity as unto You…
waiting for the day when I’ll hear You say,
‘Here is the one I have created just for You.”

So I sang “I Promise” in the comfort of our pickup, with my heart used up but in the right place this time. Tears brimmed and a sigh followed. There are some who think that the ideals I choose to live by now are mere patches for bitterness or guards up from further pain or even just plain ridiculous. Ironically, in opposition to the idea that only fearful singles would live in a capsule of such high standards, purity is a feat that requires control, courage, and commitment no matter the situation…and the choice to live that way with no compromises is definitely the road less traveled.

“Until then O Lord, I will be content, knowing that true love will come someday, it will only come from You.”

Consider it bottled passion, that won’t be bottled up forever. I know that it’s difficult but not impossible to be passionate and pure at the same time. There is no wrong in attracting the right sort at the right time. Nothing will compare to the day you can allow your passion to come forth like a dam bursting and you know not an ounce of it will be wasted and not one part of it will hurt someone. That moment will be unlike any other. It will be my movie moment.

“Cause I have seen the suffering that loneliness can cause, when we choose to give our love away without a righteous cause.”

A friend of mine reassured me in a moment of doubt I had that she would readily trade her years of trial and error relationships for my naivete despite what everyone says about experience shaping us into who we are. After my initial whining about inexperience in relationships, I still had to agree with her. This train of thought hit me on the long drive home, not that I wished it to or because I was rationalizing about the present, but I happened to be retracing why it was that I was so happy to be me at that moment.

“So I promise to be true to You,
to live my life in purity as unto You…
waiting for the day when I’ll hear You say,
‘Here is the one I have created just for You.”

I realized I was happy that I still had so much to discover about myself and about my future and that despite past hurts I was spared of the possible more I could have experienced. I relished my freedom in those moments in the car just a while ago. That which I feared was spent was still intact, the fiery passion of my spirit. At this point it would be fit to say I curled over to the left and slept in peace the rest of the way, however, my thoughts actually snowballed in another direction, and that’s for me to know.

As We See It

2005-05-12T10:03:00.000+08:00

It doesn't matter how often we artists are forced to see eye to eye with our colleagues. We will always see something they don't...or won't.

hayy...

source: http://www.greystoneinn.net/d/20040909.html

Parting from Priya

2005-04-29T14:11:00.000+08:00

Our oldest cat disappeared 7 days ago from our new home...we were hopeful that she'd come home. Today, the construction workers found her decaying body in the lot next to us...someone had apparently run over her and didn't have the heart to tell us. She was with us for 6 years. She and I were together in the first POWERBOOKS banner campaign wherein she looked on as I read the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Priya was prim, contrary, and prissy, but I must admit, she was indeed the most beautiful feline friend I have ever made. Cheers to you Priya. The years were wonderful.

Out of Town with Post

2005-04-25T12:56:00.000+08:00

Whee, our whole post production group, minus a few unfortunate people who had deadlines, enjoyed April 16-17 at Porta Verde, a resort down south, just an hour's drive from my place. It was a fabulously fun stay despite it being too short because we didn't waste a minute of it! We arrived H20 crazed and of course it was raining at first to our dismay, then shortly after we didn't care, we were together and this...for an ongoing post house, was an opportunity for leisure activities, which we are always in lack of. I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

we got there and it was cold, gray, and wet

sniff

a group shot on a veranda, that's only half of all of us

tin and i explore Lumot Lake, yes that's what it's really called

card attack!

Dawson's Creek, season Zero. Winston, me, Lester & Kim

Digital resto girls plus Jhun

baraha with the barkada. Me, Jogs, Bebe Illy, Randy, Lester, Carol

Train up a child in the way she should...

Utility boys Robert and Ferdie

Da boys, Winston, Jogs, and Lester

Star couple Randy "Boy Bulabog" and Aileen

a lonely bonfire, we left it

& the bottle goes round and round,Carol,Jogs,Cecile& Trish

100% Alcohol free, at this point...Lester, me & Carol

Let the good times roll, Jogs shnoozes...

...and so does Lester

...and Winston did at one point, oh he's awake

Tabing Ilog season Zero

Mga dalagang bukid

little DAGGER

2005-04-15T10:58:00.000+08:00

I was sitting around at work trying to repel some bad vibes in the atmosphere. It really sucks how a crab mentality can actually spawn strife. I was thinking and I birthed this little piece.

little DAGGER

amidst the circling chatter
roves that little dagger
here i am to blabber
bout people who love to jabber
about other people rather
than things that really matter
in ways its really sadder
that people just get madder
and tear down one another
because of a backstabber.

Will this blonde have more fun?

2005-04-06T10:09:00.000+08:00

Ei, check out this website...it's the upcoming new movie released by Unitel Pictures. I'm hoping this movie turns out great ^v^ I like how they arrived at the look/scheme of all the artwork involved. As far as I'm concerned, this site rocks ^v^ Click on the pic!

My name acronym, so they say...

2005-03-31T10:22:00.000+08:00

J	Juicy
U	Useful
L	Legendary
I	Innocent
A	Astonishing

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Home Sweet Home at night

2005-03-22T18:47:00.000+08:00

Well we've begun our move, my parents are over there now, laying in mattresses and fixing the furniture. My tita was sweet enough to provide photos of our house fully lit at night. No garden lights yet, can't wait! Outside the house is completely white with dark blue shingles and dark wood door and louvers. I'll provide a daytime pic soon ^v^

Front view of our new home.

View of the front door from the dining room.

View of the stairs leading to the 2nd floor.

View of the entrance from the 2nd floor.

My parents' bathroom! With a real big rain showerhead hehe, shower curtains to come.

God is indeed wonderful...it's our first time to have our own sweet abode. We've moved 9 times in my lifetime, and now He's finally bringing us home to a place of our own. Better late than never.

Hell Week

2005-02-21T18:01:00.000+08:00

Carol(effects), Lester(editing), Jogs(graphics), and moi goofing around in one of our studios
More photos of my other friends to come.

The evening of my last post was not the last grueling night of work that week. There was another more terrible night two days later where I stayed and slept or rather did not sleep at work at all because of some storyboards I agreed to do that were originally quite far from the last scheduled project I had...that changed though. Unfortunately, the previous project extended and overlapped that one where the storyboards were assigned to me, and all hell broke loose.

Originally, I was supposed to begin layouting the boards Wednesday the 15th, they were due on Thursday morning. I was still rendering out all the revisions for the other project the whole day of Wednesday which was also under the same director. Wednesday evening I began the boards, seeing my progress as well as quality falter on the 3rd board pa lang at around 2am. I began to feel hopeless, silly, and inadequate, there were 7 with just a few frames each, but the truth was what an officemate would tell me the very next day, "Quality takes time." I thought I had once and for all forgotten how to draw. I really did. My hands couldn't remember a single great stroke. It was the most awful feeling.

I am not one who appeals to burdening myself with what I am not able to handle. Sometimes it really just pours much too hard despite all possible preparation or everything you tried to anticipate. I did calculate, but I miscalculated. By 6am of Thursday I had promised to be printing the storyboard frames already but the truth was I hadn't even finished coloring in half of everything.

I did make it to the morning presentation, but by afternoon when the revisions came in that were due again at 3pm, I was swamped and out of sync with no sleep and too little time on my hands. Friends pitched in to help but my producer and director had to leave much too soon and bring the revisions. They were in a frenzied panic asking each other why everything wasn't done yet and repeating over and over to me how they couldn't be late. They would come up behind me and ask "print this, print it now...please, and why isn't it done, it should all be colored." Rightly so of course, but by this time I was floating in some other dimension because of the hysteria. I was feverish but I wasn't sick, I felt the veins in my neck throb sharply with gobs of adrenalin coursing through. My ears turned a bright crimson, an indicator to all "Leave me alone or I will bite." By the time I had gone downstairs to bring the few files that were done for printing...what I saw almost made me faint. My producer, director, production assistants and around two other people all in a rush coloring the uncolored frames with colored pencils scattered across our pantry tables, a whole mess, the result of my inability to complete the revisions.

I froze for a moment and felt extremely microscopic. Then a voice said "Just move, don't stop, keep doing something you must do, one thing at a time." I opted to print all missing frames and they seemed satisfied that I was doing that as they colored impatiently like preschoolers. No one had directly scolded me at all, it was pure negative energy flung in every possible direction except at me. I felt it envelop me though, the heated motions of all these people moving to and fro trying to get these crappy boards done.

Then they all eventually left. I couldn't leave of course still until they had come back. In the end, no one bitterly blamed me, and when they returned, one of them even apologized and said they were just panicked coz of one cranky person from the other company who didn't appreciate tardiness. Another superior was surprised that I was assigned way too much and told me that it wasn't entirely my fault. My own supervisor tried to encourage me by telling me about his own terrible mishaps abroad at work where the foreign bosses were much less forgiving. I learned much from all this. What was really nice was my more senior workmates cared enough to say "When you need help, even if it's your project, just tell all of us, we'll help you finish it. Just remember to ask for help ASAP."

I know God brought me to this company not just because it was the exact field for me, but also because of the people here. For now, I can't think of any other place where I'd fit in or where people would forgive a mistake like that so graciously and yet be firm enough to say that it shouldn't happen again. Despite whatever we say about this place in our low points, I don't think I'd want to be working anywhere else for quite a long time. I like our little group here now, in fact I hope none of us plan to leave anytime soon. I'm learning quite a lot at a pace that's just right I think. That's what's cool.

Awake

2005-02-14T00:33:00.000+08:00

That title says ten times as much as it normally would considering that I only came home two hours ago from work since Saturday (yesterday), with no decent sleep still. Here I am, tossed about more in bed than a green garden salad since 10 bloody 30pm and voila, still awake. I guess there's probably stuff worth putting down then.

I came home, checked my mail, read then...seriously embraced my Bible and kissed it coz I wanted to, like the way the rabbis kiss the rolls of Scripture prior to reading them. I did this before vainly attempting to sleep and of late, this hasn't been the first time. Fanatic! Freak! Weirdo! Wait. I've only come to that point for many decent and valid reasons which by the way I am not required to share, but will because I can and want to. I haven't memorized a whole lot of verses, neither am I consistent daily reader, which is a shameful thing that I plan to change...but since last year, I've had His Words move my life with such a constancy and impact that I cannot deny its realness nor live without it and might not have lived without it.

I think the most simple way to put it is, His words are already truth to me, truth that is seen, tested, experienced, and relished in this life so far...and what's most meaningful is neither my folks, relatives, nor friends could have ever convinced me of this, the Word had to happen to ME. The words within were with me in my tears, in my anger, in my doubt, in my disappointment, in my failures, in my brokenness, in my healing, in my triumphs and resolutions, and all throughout the year when I actually began to truly "live" this little life of mine...following of course the aftermath of what most would call a wake-up call.

I've known the Bible almost all my life, but it was more of like an accessory packaged with the "squeaky" clean Christian life. Little did I know that without everything it meant, I was nothing. Imperfect as I am, I guess i just needed this time out now to say that I've come to love my own copy of God's Word in a way that I never have. Through all the crappy things I've come out of, I've still managed to come clean hanging onto every word I've read in its pages. I guess now that I know the fullness of its content where it matters, it's about time to dissect it more intelligently so I can at least try to effectively share with you you you and all of you what it is I tried to write here tonight.

And the sandman cometh...finally...

"7The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash--along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. 8Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant--dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ 9and be embraced by Him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ--God's righteousness."

Philippians 3:7-9 THE MESSAGE BIBLE

And so here I am...

2005-02-13T02:07:00.000+08:00

...hard at work, still awake. I plan to catch a few Z's in awhile, but just so we're all clear, this happens to be the 2nd and definitely not the last working weekend I've had for 2005. It's ok, not the norm, but it's completely fine. Oh yeah, I'm sleeping in by the way. At least i'm finally getting paid for nights like these.

I'm currently transferring some files from my workstation to some other workstation. 16kb left...!afraid!...so I'm dumping and deleting like crazy. This happens to be project EEE-OHH-WHYYYY for obvious reasons. Of course, I can't tell you what it's about. It's just a lot of really simple tasks all lined up. A LOT of stuff and so little space.

I'm thinking tomorrow, my sunday just got zapped, considering that we're nowhere near done...we'll i'm thinking optimistically halfway but we only have till 6pm tomorrow to wrap up. Eee ohhh whyyyyy...

Daddy's bringing me fresh clothes in the morning, great that our church happens to be nearby...but i'll still be here, and I guess I won't be at my tita's sunday potluck for baked spaghetti, sniff*. At least I have things to gain from experience. I think I've been pressed for roughly two weeks now, i'd like a loose sked for at least the following week or a fun non-heavy project next. I'm just really tired, but thank goodness He's letting me rake in resources this time around.

Complete your seductive look & wear your heart on your face...

2005-02-09T21:44:00.000+08:00

If there was anything at all that I would change about myself, if my Maker gave me the power to choose, it would be this face of mine perpetually functioning as an emotional barometer. Countless are the moments where I wished over and over that my reaction to a certain situation would just fall short of the nerves connecting to my facial muscles. I hardly ever get to realize or know what kind face i put on when I feel myself internally react until I see the face of the other person, then comes the initial inner "Oops", and so follows a what-face-gave-it-away-now gut feeling. In short, can anyone bottle some elixir of emotional maturity for moi?

In highschool and college they called me tweety-bird, animated and bright yellow, complete with the impressive forehead, pouty mouth, micro torso, and chubby feet, everyone seemed to forget that this cartoon they compared me to was a nude male. Anyway, above all of it, "animated" was the most often used description of me, cartoonish. Odd, but recently, much of my face has been pretty much like my mouth...carefree/careless...exposed. My day begins with me parenting myself "Today you will shut up, wear your face properly, and absorb more." Since some turmoil of last year apparently left some emotional screws loose, I haven't had an easy time trimming my conversations with people in general...or aptly put making my conversations more the appropriate type and not borderline i-want-you-to-know-my-heart-and-soul type. Some minor mishaps I've tallied so far have got me thinking about why I am more out of control in this area of me at the moment.

It rained and poured work this last week. Projects rolled in and I got 3! One of which involved a lot of mask rotoscoping (frame by frame keyframing/animating). It's like connect the dots but add "move the dots" to the activity. And goodness itsalottovadots. The project is interesting though and looks real cool when it's edited. Under the stress I felt my face going whacko! I even had a director in another project tease me because he probably thought i was complaining about what I was assigned to do which i wasn't at all, not in the least! I didn't even know if my face had changed, like instinct my hand went up to my face like some blind person to check if i was pouting, sulking, grimacing or whatever it was that made him say what he did. I felt powerless over my face from the fatigue.

I began thinking, if I dared to completely bare my heart and soul without any reserve I'd be no different from more liberal girls who pull off intimacy with what they wear or how they move. It would be another form of indecency...but in essence, not far from it.

Mom doesn't like to romanticize the idea of me being transparent as opposed to some friends of mine who encourage that I leave it be coz it "makes me unique". She warned me about having no control over my reactions as I attempted to regale her with stories from work about our directors, my superiors, and others. "Be Violet and wear a mask" she said, if necessary.

I am currently quite disappointed with myself. The harder I try to be self-conscious I seem to fumble more. I think too much. Maybe that four-word sentence makes the most sense in this entry in relation to everything I've said here and answers it all. My current goal is to exercise more self-control and humility.

Girl, Interrupted

2005-01-26T09:11:00.000+08:00

Yes, for P75 I bought the VCD of the movie Girl, Interrupted in which Winona and Angelina play two confused girls who befriend each other in a mental ward. The movie struck me a million times harder this time around when I realized that Angelina's character, Lisa, a sensually charismatic sociopath, almost completely represented a person whom I encountered in the last year who I wish I did not have to encounter ever in this lifetime, an evidently beautiful, sexy, but broken person in need of love. A person that, as God would have it, would be strategically placed right in my way, unavoidable, short of donning a sign that said "This is my child, too. Love her." - God

Angelina effectively portrays Lisa in a manner that brings the viewer through the process of fearing, hating, loving, losing faith in her then inevitably pitying her poor stuck soul. For this role, she brought home the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Winona acts the part of Susanna, a wealthy but anti-social underdog whose parents care only about their own reputation in society and harbor great disappointment about their daughter. Diagnosed with borderline personality syndrome, she is forced to live out a big bite of her life in Claymoore where she meets Lisa after having tried to kill herself with a bottle of aspirin. Susanna's major question is: is she really crazy or not? Hiding behind being crazy would be quite convenient in order to excuse one's self from facing the realities of one's life while in contrast, standing up to your own weaknesses could be the most terrifying and painful thing.

I realized that as I went through therapy last year for a mild depression I experienced, I actually felt like Winona's character, Susanna. I half hoped to be diagnosed clinical and be given the freedom to wallow and express my hurt without anyone to stop me, I'd also have the freedom to mutilate myself and pop pills and not get blamed. In addition, the people who hurt me would be convicted. This Lisa character was such a major part of my hurt, that I wished to have nothing to do with her except look down on her and comfort myself with the "distance" between our levels in life. Then suddenly part of me wondered, maybe it would be better to be a little bit like her, cool, unashamed, indulgent...naturally more wild and experience the highs that she does, shortlived as they are. Then maybe someone would love me for the beautiful "broken" soul that I am.

By grace I was not deceived. As Lisa brought Susanna into her carefree world, Susanna's progess at Claymoore "plateaued" as Dr. Wig (Vanessa Redgrave) said. Lisa deceives Susanna into believing that it's better to naturally be crazy, and the hell with the world if they didn't understand them, they didn't have to give in to therapy. Refusing meds and defying authority, Lisa takes ultimate pride in the intriguing character that she is, not knowing that this life song she chooses to sing is on a broken record of pain that plays over and over again. Despite having the power to choose life, Lisa obviously lives in death and Susanna harshly tells her so.

I have not encountered this person I mentioned with the proximity Susanna had with Lisa. I don't even know at this point if I'd wish to. In one scene, Lisa screams at Susanna, "Why doesn't anyone press my buttons? Rip out this hurt inside of me and tell me I'm a whore and that my parents wish me dead anyway?!!!...You'd prefer me to be the villain, isn't that what you want Susanna? So you get to be the hero all brave and contrite." As much a part of my heartbreak as this person is, I couldn't help but cry for her and imagine her screaming that at me.

It was specifically for her that He died. In loving people like her, I will know the capacity I have to love God with my whole being. Forgiveness for this person is painful but has to continue. I pray God redeems her. I pray this hurt inside melts away. Corny, but I partly know now why I was a girl, interrupted, truly I do.

LISA: "I'm not dead yet."
SUSANNA: "I know."

Love according to C.S. Lewis

2005-01-15T13:25:00.000+08:00

"Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal... The only place outside of Heaven where you can perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell. I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God's will that a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness... Christ did not teach and suffer that we might become, even in the natural loves, more careful of our own happiness. If a man is not uncalculating towards the earthly beloveds whom he has seen, he is none the more likely to be so towards God whom he has not. We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they break, so be it."

The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis

Holiday Hope (cont'd)

2005-01-04T02:02:00.000+08:00

My trusty Docs: field trips, riding, Quezon in this case, everything...

Quezon stares at me

While everything was happening around the Indian ocean, I was here, where it happened on our East Coast one month ago. Thousands of lives lost, hundreds displaced, and many more hopeless about the future after a typhoon struck Quezon province. It looked not much different from the devastated Asian shorelines, only less in magnitude. There were kilometers and kilometers of piled rocks, boulders, debris, and soil from the landslides that occurred. There was a 2nd hand account about a father clinging to a coconut tree during the flash floods and landslides. He was holding on to his two children, but after hours of holding them up, under extreme fatigue, he dropped them into the raging rapids. Shortly after, the aftermath of the ordeal drove him insane despite his survival.

"You can't change the world, but you can make a dent."
- Sheldon Mopes (Ed Norton), Death to Smoochy

Food for thought: Talking or writing about myself isn't necessarily selfish.

Holiday Hope

2004-12-28T02:07:00.000+08:00

While thousands of people, myself included, mourn the myriads of lives lost due to the Indian Ocean tsunamis, I had my own dose of reality today right here in our own nation. My aunt's family invited me to join a relief mission to the Infanta, Quezon typhoon victims. Initially, I wasn't too keen on tagging along, considering the incident was already over a month old and that seemingly endless hordes of willing human beings had already contributed their share in every way possible. What more could I possibly do? So for new company's sake and a lack of agenda, I joined them. I could always take pictures, and a lengthy trip to Infanta would break in my new iPod.

On the way to Infanta, didn't know what to expect yet.

(to be cont'd)

Tuned in...

2004-12-25T05:11:00.000+08:00

Behold the fruit of 2 parents, 2 uncles, 2 aunts, and a cousin...ONE OUTRAGEOUS GIFT!! Ok, so they all went cheap on me, but i'm so blessed they went cheap in the right direction hahaha! Merry Christmas!

Double Decker Red

2004-12-22T01:07:00.000+08:00

Do my nails scream harlot? Do you cringe in disdain? Hehe. I had them painted for our office party, to go with my black ensemble. For the first time in my life my nails are red. No, I'm not rebelling. No, it's not some lame attempt to look older. I just wanted to try the darn color. It's actually pretty cool.

Here are some pics from my first Christmas at work

With my friend Tin tin, who took over as leader of the film restoration group when I got regularized ^v^ You can check out her blog here http://redquinn.blogspot.com

Dancing ITSUMO with my fellow newbies. Shameless, sorry Winston, you're somewhere behind me...hahaha

My fellow "resto" girls minus Betty. From left Tin, Kat, Gara, Jo, and Raks.

Unreachable

2004-12-14T01:27:00.000+08:00

Recently certain thoughts have been plaguing me. Thoughts about my continuing to live what is good and right and shunning everything wrong. Weird thoughts like "you're being so good it ain't real anymore, come down man, no one will get you...no one will understand, no one will reach you up there, and look, you're still miserable. None of much of the crap would have happened to you if you had just lightened up." I hear these thoughts, and am trying to intelligently strip apart these statements piece by piece. Truth, the last thing I want is to appear formidable in the eyes of other people, but i don't have to taint what is good in me with evil in order to be approachable, genuine, and engaging. I'll affirm this with the absolute truth on which my spirit thrives:

1 Peter 3:13-18

13 "If with heart and soul you're doing good, do you think you can be stopped? 14 Even if you suffer for it, you're still better off. Don't give the opposition a second thought. 15 Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you're living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. 16 Keep a clear conscience before God so that when people throw mud at you, none of it will stick. They'll end up realizing that they're the ones who need a bath. 17 It's better to suffer for doing good, if that's what God wants, than to be punished for doing bad. 18 That's what Christ did definitively: suffered because of others' sins, the Righteous One for the unrighteous ones. He went through it all--was put to death and then made alive--to bring us to God."

Somewhere over the rainbow indeed.

2004-12-13T02:32:00.000+08:00

The yellow brick road has been challenging but filled with endless reminders of how amazing He really is. Today we took a trip to visit our unfinished home on the cloudy Mount Makiling and as we made the last turn on the way back, some emotions deep inside began to unearth themselves and make me hurt real bad, I had begun to miss something very important to me that is no more...I prayed silently, asking the Lord to comfort me as tears welled up inside of me.

Suddenly my 8 year old brother pointed out "Look, a rainbow! Look, on top of our house a rainbow!!". True enough, the afternoon sun had pierced through the bleak sky at some point and struck the mist of the mountain's incline unveiling a beautiful half rainbow just above our house. Different tears came to my eyes as they read the rainbow as clearly as they would a good friend's handwriting "Keep your eyes on My promise.It shall come to pass." The rainbow stayed for all of 2 minutes. "Whoohoo! It's a signal from God!" my brother gasped, and so shall it be, out of the mouths of babes. Dad took a picture, but not from an angle where our house is visible, i don't have that pic with me yet. The greatest picture though was the one left in my heart, the reminder of a promise that shall come to pass. As we tried to take more pictures, the rainbow slowly dissolved as if fading into the unknown, slowly before our eyes it disappeared fading into the mist and the fog gently came down embracing the houses. The message had been read and it had self destructed. I had just experienced an OLAM, an ancient path, a timeless message He has used to remind people of His sufficiency. Isn't that like Him, to use bands of colored light to tell me He hasn't forgotten me.

Genesis 9:12-16

12 God continued, "My covenant is between me and you and every living thing with you. It is a covenant for all time to come.

"Here is the sign of the covenant I am making. 13 I have put my rainbow in the clouds. It will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 14 Sometimes when I bring clouds over the earth, a rainbow will appear in them. 15 Then I will remember my covenant between me and you and every kind of living thing. The waters will never become a flood to destroy all life again.

16 "When the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it. I will remember that my covenant will last forever. It is a covenant between me and every kind of living thing on earth."

Beware the rebound

2004-12-10T18:29:00.000+08:00

MR.BIG - To Be With You

Hold on little girl
show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
when it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

CHORUS:
I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
Wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you

CHORUS

Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwile
and I can make you start to smile

Forgetting who i am...

2004-12-06T16:39:00.000+08:00

I once knew what it felt like to really be me. It was this feeling that I could accomplish anything my mind conceived. My hands had a voracious appetite for craft and friends asked favors of me almost all the time. Sketches, photographs, layouts, posters, props...anything that had to do with visuals was given to me no questions asked. I was this factory of ideas that wouldn't stop applying itself. I applied and applied and applied myself in all the ways I knew.

It's been years since I ever felt or been that way. I think I felt like that last when I was thirteen. There was almost nothing my peers thought I couldn't do within my range of talent, or so they believed. For me, then, nothing was staged. Everything was real. I lived and breathed excellence in learning and doing new things, not for show, but because I liked it, I was fascinated, and knew there was no other standard for myself. It all came naturally. Then I began to forget how it really was, and I began pretending, reaching, or more aptly put, coping with situations and making everyone around me including myself think that I was ok. As long as my "output" remained consistent and my shell untarnished, I was Julia.

Not long after, living to please and stuff the mouths of people who did nothing but watch my life, I began looking at other people's plates, what did they have? People who excelled more than me terrified me, whether it was their character, application of talent, or sheer productivity, especially if it was all for real. Geez could you stand it? I have this friend I just saw recently, a dear dear friend, and for the first time in a long, long while, I actually really felt happy for her, sincerity enclosed. She just placed 7TH in the nationwide CPA (accounting board exam). This girl also used to head our co-ed bible study. I'm sure you're familiar with the inspiring, unwavering sort (don't you just hate them? hahaha, Lord bless them and protect them always). I heard she landed a prestigious job allowing her to travel to places like Bangkok and Singapore for free, Monday to Friday, and that she gets to come home for weekends. A job like that is a dream, but in my case, I'd have to be based there.

I do not want to live a life that is just enough to not disappoint people. Neither do I want to live a life that merely pleases people. I want to be great, not popular, not rich (well puwede rin, haha), not idolized, but greater on the inside then I could ever ever try to be on the outside. So great that when people tap into me and what makes me, they'd want to be great, too.

Right now, it's a drought. There are many things I know I can be doing that I just don't do. There is no initiative nor drive in me to live beyond the way I'm living daily now. I want to be better at what I do, but I don't feel like applying myself more, at this point. This is stupidity, but also plain honesty. I don't know what steps to take. Others demand more of me, others say what I'm doing isn't enough and correct me endlessly, others say I've done helluvalot and should just live as I always have...what's always? One of these three groups of people is correct. What could He want?

the yellow brick road...

2004-11-26T01:29:00.000+08:00

Who could get lost in Oz with the yellow brick road? Nobody. It was the only constructed highway to the emerald city and undoubtedly the "safest". I shouldn't mistake any other road for that road. Such is His revealed path for me. If only it were easier to keep going on the same road despite wicked witches from the east and west, flying monkeys, carnivorous kalidahs, poppies better than valiums, and lions, and tigers, and bears oh my. Responsibility weighs me down, or at least the idea of it. The idea is so daunting. You're on the right road that has a lot of yucky stuff up ahead and you just have to keep going despite all the road signs that say what's coming because it's the only way to get to where you're going.

It is pretty funny to think that Dorothy arrived in Oz with one objective at heart: to find her way back home. Clearly, it's the same for all of us. We are born to live a life that will ultimately prepare us for death and beyond, unless you believe that you only have one life to live. I was born so I could find my way home.

I wish Dorothy could have had a car, or a horse at least. It mattered very much to know though that she wasn't alone. Her loved ones were with her, friends who were also searching for something that completed them. I'm so blessed. I have more than a battalion of loving tinmen, witty scarecrows, and courageous lions at my side, not to mention loyal Totos.

The witch wanted Dorothy's ruby slippers. What powerful thing do I have that this world wants to take away? Light, i guess. What happens if I'm on the right path carrying a light? I guess others on wrong roads with no light would be able to spot my light and think "that person knows where she's going, she can see the road, maybe it's better if I find out where she's headed," and go towards you. Others who've become accustomed to journeying in the dark would probably find the light too bright and bothersome and continue going on in circles, but if you bump into them, you could try a healthy conversation just for starters.

Why am I saying all this to myself or to you? Our house in Laguna is like 95% finished. Good friends have been asking why so far down south. I'm now believing it's better to say "Because it's home, it's green, lush, and beautiful, and there's no place in Metro Manila like it." rather than "Because my parents are sick of the city." Which answer do you think would make you want to be a guest at my house more? A lot of truths have been churning away in my mind lately, especially tonight. What if people like me who believe in Christ talked more about the beauty of being saved rather than the shame of being sinful? Talking about how beautiful home is and living like I'm on my way home will probably get me more willing visitors and companions than if I talked about how sinfully sick this world is and mentioned my soul's unwillingness to be in it any longer.

Jesus...i see more of your Face everyday. I can hardly wait coz I know who's going to be at the door when I get home, I'll bring home some friends, no...lots.

On the road again...

2004-11-22T10:59:00.000+08:00

I'm back at work and He's been really great to me again. The project that I asked my supervisor to pass onto someone else didn't start without me. So I come back after two days of leave to find that it's still mine. Amazing how God works. I simply trusted that my commitment to attend Ancient Paths would honor Jesus and that He would fix whatever I'd leave behind at work, and He did just that.

At the seminar, we were taught the meaning of the word OLAM, the Hebrew basis for Ancient Paths...(TO BE CONT'D...still being written.)

Ancient Paths

2004-11-19T15:29:00.000+08:00

I began attending a seminar called Ancient Paths yesterday, a ministry started by Craig Hill that helps people open up for the spiritual healing of past hurts. No...it's not some cult session where you join hands and levitate and receive healing ok...hehe, the word ancient might have struck you the wrong way. If it intrigues you, you can research theophostic ministry. It's an approach to counseling that not only spans a person's psychological and emotional patterns but also the spiritual realm in the person's life...which comprises a much bigger part of what happens to us than most people believe. In my own life, I bear witness to that.

Once upon a time, not too long ago, everything was ok and blissful in my life, to this day one can hardly believe the lies I actually agreed to live before, and how much of "tuned out" person I was. I was tuned out to what was going on around me and tuned into myself. Even today after every emotional crisis that has passed, I get frustrated at how I step forward day by day with MY best interests in mind. It starts ok, when I take a step and tune in to the mind-set that I'm for everybody today, not me...then it backfires, and I did something for me again. Old habits are hard to break.

It frustrates me even more to know, that by default, my mom isn't that way. She's the complete opposite. Of course people say BOTH extremes are wrong. There's a balance. She's the constant reminder of how I should be more of the time. The eldest of 9 it's like she was born to be a doormat...God forbid. Everything is automatic and isn't bout her. She hates that about me, no she doesn't HATE me ok, she hates THAT about me. Me being the only child till my brother came 13 years later, I ended up not knowing how to initiate the others mode...I hate that as much about myself as she does. She was mostly never given the time nor chance to be self-centered, and here I am everything going for me in the supposedly right direction...and she being the great mom that she is, with every breath in her she won't give me the chance nor break to be self-centered either, in any way possible. That can be TOTALLY great and totally suck at the same time. You know...moms. Don't we love them? That's not sarcastic.

This was taken with Dan, Gabo, and Weedge. We were just hanging out.

Going out more is good. I've gotten to practice tuning in to others, which has been so great. Close friends will laugh, because they know, in a conversation...if I start, I take over. When I end up doing that, realizing I ate up the conversation, I hate myself. When I do find my ONE, he's gonna tell me to shut up a lot in the sweetest of ways without humiliating me, that's for sure. He's gotta be the type who when he's got something to say that he REALLY wants to share with me it's gonna be "Ei, shut up first, and listen to my kuwento." Other girls find that utterly chauvinistic and insensitive, but for a girl like me, that's good for me, and I'd know very well he's doing it to make me a better listener. I'd love to be a good listener, not just an energetic storyteller.

Flying towards eternity

2004-11-16T13:28:00.000+08:00

How can I begin living eternally? How can I stop looking around me and living as if everything that's there now will be there tomorrow? Beginning to live the simple life is harder than we think, unless we've already given everything in our hearts to Him. He's taken much of what I wouldn't give him. It would have been easier if I just brought these things willingly to Him. Lord, you see all that's in my life that was so important to me and still is. You're shaping my heart, I'm trusting that...each day is a little more thrilling, and a little bit more scary coz I don't know what to expect, but you're not letting go of me...EVER...and soon when You know I'm ready, You'll let me fly...

I'll remember...

2004-10-29T14:15:00.000+08:00

I'LL REMEMBER - Madonna, (Theme song "With Honors")
Mmmm, mmmm
Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that

Chorus (first time substitute strength for love and saved for changed ):
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember

Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
(chorus)

I learned to let go of the illusion that we can possess
I learned to let go, I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember [I'll remember]Mmmmm... [I'll remember]Mmmmm...(chorus)

[I'll remember]No I've never been afraid to cry
Now I finally have a reason whyI'll remember [I'll remember]
(repeat 3 times, substituting And for Now the second and third times)

Aftermath

2004-10-10T00:59:00.000+08:00

I don't know why you let last night happen, but You did, Lord. I'm sorry your servant failed to exhibit self control...I shall trust in You for this. Please heal my beat up spirit.

JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today...I will choose and display the right attitudes.
Just for today...I will determine and act on important priorities.
Just for today...I will know and follow healthy guidelines.
Just for today...I will communicate with and care for my family.
Just for today...I will practice and develop good thinking.
Just for today...I will make and keep proper commitments.
Just for today...I will earn and properly manage finances.
Just for today...I will deepen and live out my faith.
Just for today ...I will initiate and invest in solid relationships.
Just for today...I will plan for and model generosity.
Just for today...I will embrace and practice good values.
Just for today...I will seek and experience improvements.
Just for today...I will act on these decisions and practice these disciplines, and

Then one day...I will see the compounding results of a day lived well.
- JOHN MAXWELL

Bound bound bound and rebound...

2004-10-02T17:14:00.000+08:00

This was my last weekend as a hired freelance to the production house i service. Over the last week, I was, at long last, officially welcomed into the family as an in-house graphic artist, with a well-deserved monthly salary. God has been faithful and has honored my waiting on this prestigious company...and my not pulling out to settle for less. Now begins the real grind. I begin immediate training for the line of work I will be doing.

The company is growing, and I note with great satisfaction the direction that it is taking. I am so blessed with the knowledge that I am now part of it, with no ifs or buts. God's timing and weaving of events is so accurate. As I look behind me...I see the design taking shape, a pattern forms, but there is still no picture. I still myself in the moment, this moment, the moment of not knowing of the blessings to come and the passing of His promises for me. Why should I cherish the mystery? Because I will look back on this the minute all has been revealed, and I will cry and say I want to experience that surprise all over again.

Today in church, the pastor spoke of "Keeping Our Confidence". Once we know what to do in waiting for the outburst of His glory in our lives, persevering in righteousness within His will becomes the most difficult part. We often lose heart in disappointment. If there is anything that disheartens us the most, it is when people whom we place our faith in fail us. People. Circumstances yes, but mostly the greatest circumstances involve people. This is all of us, not just me.

In the past month, God has shown me that sometimes He removes comfy,worn, favorite elements of our lives whether it be a truly important person, a career, or material possession in order to make us realize our growth in Him has stopped because of whatever that is. When certain aspects of my life seem to put me on stalemate with God's will for me, I can guarantee myself it will only be a matter of time before God will put those things into order for me, painfully if necessary. Sadly, almost always, stalemate is happiness, even bliss...we don't allow ourselves to question our position before it's too late, then God has to whack us...hard. There must be some incentive in order for me to allow God to make room in my life, right? Of course...it's the brand new stuff He has in store. Things He got at His special "mall" that I have not even made room for, He will not show me, so sometimes for our own good, He throws out the old stuff for us, without even asking.

This month, God has revealed a wonderful handful of His blessings after the hurricanes that have been passing through my life. Just a handful, but blessings nonetheless. One is yes, my job, two is a sphere of new friends down south, I never knew such caring people existed, Luigi, Dani, Justin and the rest...thanks, you guys helped by just being yourselves, you have no idea. Sometimes I might seem over appreciative, but if you guys knew everything, you'd know where I'm coming from. Of course you can't know everything hawhaw. Three, healing, I was hospitalized, there were several complications that led to my being hospitalized, but mom said it all rooted in the emotional turmoil i've been going through and my tremendous weight loss...thanks, God. It was only after seeing several people I hadn't seen for a bit that I realized how much battering my health really took, eww, I must look gross...anyway. Four, soon a new home, yes it's actually 90% done, just a few hurdles more.

Inside me, remnants of pain still dwell about the recent past, but slowly, I'm healing. These remnants aren't there coz I want them to remain, they just are. The heart takes its time while the mind makes ways to speed it up. I feel so broken and yet somewhat renewed. The Lord is placing new desires in me for myself, by showing all the new stuff, desires and hopes I never considered coz I was so fixated with the past and how I ran my life. God, did anybody tell You today how great You are? You are the greatest.

The Healer, not the healing

2004-10-01T08:14:00.000+08:00

I want to seek the Healer, not the healing...how easy is that if you've been seeking the healing your whole life?

Julia and alma

And His blessings overflow...

2004-09-26T15:54:00.000+08:00

In the past few weeks of my battling depression, insomnia, and loneliness...I came across a fairly simple thought, that though surrounded by the most loving and wonderful people my whole life, I have felt alone and abandoned...despite salvation. A fairly simple thought and an equally selfish emotion. No one really "got" me or has understood me for who I am, besides God of course DUH...even during the times i thought i finally had someone...i didn't really, they didn't get me, there was the illusion that they did, but they didn't...besides of course my own mom and my lolo...both who I only wish had the luxury of time. Which leads me to the idea why i struggle and strive soo badly for people to hear me, listen to me...thus the talkativeness and "open-book" syndrome. I've gotten used to people using my "unique" and "weird" characteristics or diminutive physique as a punchline...but sometimes i do tire, and find myself wishing someone would appreciate them as part of me and not as abnormalities.

Who puts these silly notions up right here where it matters? I don't know. I've carried these feelings my whole life, from the time when I took forever to finish my food as a kid to the time I didn't know how to "gossip" about boys as a pre-teen and not even dance, and even until college...the idea that i was content to stay at home...I had no drive to go out malling spending my money and watching movies, unless someone cared for my company.

I always wondered why I was always so..."me-ish". The bearer of an unintentional non-awareness of other's needs before mine. Moments upon realizing i hogged the shower too long during a singles retreat, i beat myself up mentally "There you go again julia, you you you...you took too long, now all the others have to hurry up...". I truly never mean to do these things, it's simply somewhat of a lapse in initiative.

Of course everyone will say...the only way to fill loneliness, is with Jesus, and I know this...but sometimes hopelessness still settles in, and i feel so afraid that I'm getting pulled back into the rut i briefly scrambled out of. It would help I guess if once in awhile I could literally hear Jesus say "I like being with you", or "I love you, you have no idea how much", or at least feel Him touch me on the shoulder or hold my hand or stroke my cheek, dammit, for crying out loud why do i demand these so much more than the people around me do...I ache for these interactions, I feel as if my day will collapse if I don't have them.

Truth is, I hate being like this, I hate being myself...I want to be a different person, maybe if I shut up for a few years like i did before someone will find me. Now I don't know who I am, as many people my age feel. God, where do I find this person you created in all her beauty and joy, show me where to find her. She's been missing.

Prayer

2004-09-09T09:00:00.000+08:00

Lord, today, grant me the faith and grace to place my hand in yours, assured of the fact that nothing will transpire without your consent. Help me to learn the grace of living joyfully in the present moment, rather than in the future or the past. Help me to grasp the fact that you are in the process of preparing me for eternity. Amen.

A Grief Observed

2004-09-07T15:16:00.000+08:00

"For those few years, she and I feasted on love, every mode of it-- solemn and merry, romantic and realistic, sometimes as comfortable and unemphatic as putting on your soft slippers. No cranny of heart or body remained unsatisfied. If God were a substitute for love we ought to have lost all interest in Him."
- A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis

Everyday I die a little more, teach me the JOY of sharing in Your sufferings, Jesus. My heart whimpers each day though it tries to leap for Your glory...i'd much rather it whimper with honesty rather than sarcastically try to leap, you understand every tear's cause. I gave away the purity of my heart to someone other than You, who could not love as You do, nor care for me as You would, and it's not his fault.

With each scream and episode I trouble those around me...if I'm not strong, things will fall apart, my heart is not yet well and others say it's been too long. Lord...if it has to be this way, just let me stop loving him as he just simply stopped loving me...please. No more, no more...

My pain is as raw as sushi...i have to curl up coz it transforms into actual migraines that are so terrible, lord like how you smote both Job's heart and body...
Lord, please Lord how far off is Your glory?

SOS

2004-09-02T12:40:00.000+08:00

God...get me out of here. How can I make you smile? Please make me smile...restore me, alleviate this ache within me that paralyzes my very being. He's yours not mine. God help me.

Rollercoaster

2004-08-24T07:46:00.000+08:00

My heart sits on the caboose of this rollercoaster ride...strapped in. I no longer wait for things to be as they used to be, the G force has kicked in, sadness remains. I miss you even when my whole world tells me not to...I feel surreal.

Evidence of You

2004-08-12T14:25:00.000+08:00

His heavenly hosts sound a victory! Bless the Lord for Hannah, a woman answer to my prayer. Tomorrow I set out for QC, a leave from work for a session in professional counseling. Lord I place my heart and my crushed spirit into Your hands.

Lord, You hear our cries, You answer our prayers. My friend, how it blesses my heart to know you had courage to seek forgiveness from someone connected to me, and no matter how far you've gone, your heart knows where your home is...in His fold. Your looking over your shoulder is all I needed to get through this week, how glad I am, even though things are no longer the same and may never be, to hear that a spark of you is longing for home. This is all I needed right now, Lord, You truly love us no matter how far we stray. I know you won't read this my friend, if not by sheer chance, but if you do, you have made me smile today...the news of you in prayer seeking forgiveness has made me smile, for me that is enough, and even though you stumble again after today, after today I know for a fact that He is in your heart. That makes me cry joy.

God's Mighty Spirit got through to you, the angels I asked Him to loose to war for you have won a victory, only one of many. I will continue to pray for you with no more agenda for myself. The greatly wounded are victors in Christ, and are those that He uses mightily. I have let you go into the best of hands, His. I love you.

Being Job

2004-08-10T22:00:00.000+08:00

Lord, You've wrapped my heart up in misery and tied it off with a bow of pain. Morning and night darkness swallows me, my desert of loneliness. You put me in the middle of nowhere, with no water and nothing but a compass. In my dreams, You allow them to haunt me, in the morning You allow them to wake me...others say I only do it to myself, do You think I love pain...do they think I love to think about him, all that he was to me, and now all that he isn't to me, do they think I love to think about maybe if I were a tad bit more messed up just like her he might just give a damn bout me and what he left me hanging with.

After 6 wonderful years of an unimaginable friendship of even reading Psalms and Proverbs over the phone to put each other to sleep on troubled nights, I was soon within a week's or month's reach of seriously being his or so he made me think only to suddenly lose him...have him fade out, and later be taken by someone so broken with no regard anymore for her daily actions, no respect for him, no respect for herself...no respect for You, although she wants You they say. I pressured him and scolded him too much he tells people who ask why he left me, but after the years and still trying to come after me didn't he already accept that as part of me and my booboos...wasn't that a trifle small, Lord, and I would only tell him the truth every time, doesn't he look like he needs a scolding from anyone now? It was in points like these that he would lovingly shush me and tell me not to panic and get into perspective...where is he....?????? where did you go........

Lord, please...I know You're in here somewhere, get me out...take me away if You have to...make it all end. I'm tired of putting a mask on everyday to cope, I'd much rather curl up and die. To anyone who asks how I am, I'd much rather honestly say "Terribly sad, hurting, missing someone and wanting to die" to their face rather than unearth the disgusting "Fine, I'm ok" spiel which is so untrue...of course relative to whoever it is that wouldn't always be sensible. I'm sorry Lord, but this is how I feel in here, sob**... Thank you Job for allowing me to plagiarize.

Betrayal

2004-08-10T12:42:00.000+08:00

Psalms 55:20-21

"And this, my best friend, betrayed his best friends;
his life betrayed his word.
All my life I've been charmed by his speech,
never dreaming he'd turn on me.
his words which were music to my ears,
turned to daggers in my heart."

Realization

2004-08-08T15:41:00.000+08:00

Realization: you did not love me the way you thought you did... ...i thought you did...

Someone said "hey"

2004-08-05T09:20:00.000+08:00

Someone communicated a hope that our friendship still stands...let me say this on that subject, whether he/she reads this or not. I don't have to agree with you to prove my understanding. I don't have to be on speaking terms to prove that I still care. I don't have to accept what you're doing to show that I still deeply love you. What my God thinks is more important, no matter how bad I want to be there because I terribly miss and worry about you, He says no. I know the commands and standards He's set, you do, too, and my friend, I'm sorry but...these are more important to me. I'm dying when I say it, but I say it firmly. I love and FEAR Him and what He stands for more than I love you. You know what kills, I knew you when you believed the same, and I was there when you acknowledged all that with your own lips. Seeing you bound by lies torments me, what do you think it does to Him? I pray with all my heart that the TRUTH sets you free.

Maybe one day...i'll hear him say "hey"...maybe one day...

HEY - mandy moore
it was a couple of years ago
i was sitting beside my window
and never will make the same mistake cause that's when he walked on by
almost a year i followedi dont regret a single a day
then he changed
and proceeded to tear from me
every inch of soul you see and he's kept it to this day
and i die everytime i find a piece of him in corners of my mind
so i washed it all away
and time it took me time but i had left those memories back and far behind
he called me yesterday just to say hey

i was the last to know
such an infatuation
that i can say
with certainty
then he changed
and proceeded to tear from me
every inch of soul you see and he's kept it to this day
and i die everytime i find a piece of him in corners of my mind
so i washed it all away and time it took me time but i had left those memories back and far behind
he called me yesterday just to say hey

it took me a lifetime to forget you but i did
i never want to see your face or speak your name
i die everytime i find a piece of him in corners of my mind
so i washed it all away and time it took me time but i had left those memories back and far behindhe called me yesterday just to say hey

Dying to live...

2004-08-02T14:37:00.000+08:00

How can you hurt anymore when you're dead, especially inside. I'm dead. I had to die. This is how it has to be...if one day i'm to be alive again.

In my weakness...

2004-08-01T01:36:00.000+08:00

In my weakness, His strength is made perfect. I have no choice but to trust that this person I love is safe in His hands...and so am I, and I have to leave everything special we had behind. It kills, but I have no choice.

Perseverance through pain...

2004-07-30T13:00:00.000+08:00

"Be still, and know that I am God . . ." (Psalm 46:10). Perseverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen. Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling. Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered. Our greatest fear is not that we will be damned, but that somehow Jesus Christ will be defeated. Also, our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for—love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men—will not win out in the end and will represent an unattainable goal for us. Then there is the call to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated.If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, "because you have kept My command to persevere . . ." (Revelation 3:10).Continue to persevere spiritually. - OSWALD CHAMBERS

i'll do my best, oh God, please help me...

Depression

2004-07-29T07:00:00.000+08:00

I have come to a point where I need some help along this path of healing, help from someone who knows Christ too and has encountered people with their low points. It sounds odd, but therapy I think will be ok...that sounds pro active, especially when deep inside me, things haven't changed...and I no longer, without self-pity or exaggeration,...no longer want to go on living, i've mentioned this to someone already. My perception has changed that much, though I'm absolutely aware that that borders on the pathetic, imbecilic, and wasteful.

My prayers have become unceasing but I grow weary of praying. I find myself not wanting to be alone, except before bedtime...yet, it would be nice to have someone by me in my dreams too...even in my sleep I'm tormented by the truth, and when I wake up, my dreams are my reality as well, so I wake from my slumber already tired and robbed of the line "It was just a dream". On days with no work, I prefer to accompany my mom to her office, being at home brings back too many memories of when I was happy because of something that no longer exists. I find myself being less of the supportive 21 year old daughter my parents are supposed to have and more like an 8 year old depressed burden.

In the book "My Utmost for His Highest" entry for July 27, Oswald Chambers speaks of clouds (dark times, trials), and he mentions that only when we are able to face the darkest, blackest fact that haunts us without thinking less of Who God is can we truly say we know Him, trust Him, believe Him. My heart shrank and I had a hard time breathing after reading this...I never got mad at God for this, but...I did ask why, a lot of "why" questions.
To all family and friends who have been there...thank you, I'm doing my best to be pro-active about this. Thank you for all your prayers.

PSALMS 6 - MSG Bible

"Please, God, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed. Treat me nice for a change; I'm so starved for affection. Can't you see I'm black and blue, beat up badly in bones and soul? God, how long will it take for you to let up? Break in, God, and break up this fight; if You love me at all, get me out of here. I'm no good to you dead, am I? I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb! I'm tired of all this--so tired. My bed has been floating 40 days and nights on the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears. The sockets of my eyes are black holes; nearly blind, I squint and grope. Get out of here, you Devil's crew: at last God has heard my sobs. My requests have all been granted, my prayers are answered. Cowards, my enemies disappear. Disgraced, they turn tail and run."

Jesus please...

2004-07-23T03:54:00.000+08:00

Jesus, everything hurts, I still don't understand...I'm sorry I'm still not ok...I want to be soon...what was wrong with me, what did I do...

I can't take much more of this, it's taking it's toll on me at work, physically, emotionally, God I grope for you and I can't find you, please show up, please...

And show up for them...

It is well with my soul...Lord help me...

2004-07-07T14:30:00.000+08:00

Oh how utterly strange that someone like me, who has been taught almost everything there is to know about God's goodness, would need the words and prayers of so many friends and relatives to really remember as in remember for real that He is in control...no matter what happens. Frightfully hurt, yet blessed with the resilience to go on, I trust in my Jesus to get me through this and one day bless me with immense joy. Embracing the pain has never been better, that's without a sarcastic note.

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

- Words by Horatio G. Spafford, 1873- Music by Philip P. Bliss, 1876
The words to this hymn was written after two major traumas in Spafford's life. The first was the Great Chicago Fire of October 1871, which ruined him financially. Shortly after, while crossing the Atlantic, all four of Spafford's daughters died in a collision with another ship. Spafford's wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram: "SAVED ALONE." Several weeks later, as Spafford's own ship passed near the spot where his daughters died, he was inspired to write these words.
Bliss originally named the tune "Ville de Havre" after the ship on which Spafford's four girls perished, the SS Ville de Havre. Ironically, Bliss himself died in a tragic train wreck shortly after writing this music.

to lacerate my heart...it really had to be you.

2004-07-05T14:10:00.000+08:00

No one is safe from pain, and just because you're afraid of some things it doesn't mean they can't happen to you...they definitely can and no matter how you hope or pray against them, they definitely will...in most cases i guess. In the past 3 weeks of my life, that's what God has been showing me quite blatantly. Haha, for those who don't know what sorry nalang...
I've just proven the ultimate...that even someone with the seemingly most careful, guarded, and non-outgoing lifestyle can experience deep pain from a relationship encounter. Self-reliance in order to sustain it all kills. It eats you from the inside out, before you know it, you're left with a you who can barely stand without your knees knocking.

To cut, to sever, to tear across, to part, to break, to rip...the only actions applicable to things bonded, fused, attached.

Make a tight fist around a serrated blade and resist the owner taking it and pulling it straight out of your hand, along with several layers of your own tissue and blood...
owch.

He remains.

2004-07-01T16:26:00.000+08:00

Sad? Could it be the realization that what you were doing with your whole heart wasn't right, no matter how right you believed it all was. Maybe it's seeing someone close to you with new eyes, eyes you didn't have when you first knew each other. Have you ever let go of a dear friend, not because circumstances took them, but because you had to make a conscious choice to do so for their good? Did you ever let out that last sigh after remembering that you miss someone God has chosen to take away? How soon would you step up to the command to stop loving someone if God at this very moment whispered in your ear to do so because He says it's right?

My world crumbles around me, and God remains.

Grasping the cup of suffering...

2004-06-23T21:23:00.000+08:00

I guess for those who've read my past posts which are really just "posts" you've noticed a pattern. I'm going through some personal turmoil at the moment, and am trying my best to adapt. Some things are just never for certain and though we pray against it, they come crashing down on us. That relates to a lot we all go through, I'm sure you all agree. People who don't mean to hurt us, just do, sometimes even more than once...and most often these people are the ones we love and trust the most. Such is the life in this world.

Confusing as it may seem, this all makes it quite clear to me, though in a very brutal way, that there's only one thing certain for me now, Christ's love for me and His forgiveness of my shortcomings. That's the only thing I understand now, the rest I give to Him, so that I may have a forgiving and quiet spirit.

Mark 14:35-36
35He went on a little farther and fell face down on the ground. He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting him might pass him by. 36"Abba,[1]" Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine."

"My heart's about to break..."

2004-06-22T17:08:00.000+08:00

Psalms 38:9-10

"Lord, my longings are sitting in plain sight,
my groans an old story to you.
My heart's about to break;
I'm a burned-out case...
(cont'd) 17-22 I'm on the edge of losing it--
the pain in my gut keeps burning.
I'm ready to tell the story of my failure,
I'm no longer smug in my sin.
My enemies are alive and in action,
a lynch mob after my neck.
I give out good and get back evil
from God-haters who can't stand a God-lover.
Don't dump me, God; my God don't stand me up.
Hurry and help me; I want some wide open space in my life!"

The end of it...and what hurts the most.

2004-06-21T13:00:00.000+08:00

Take heart, piglet...be strong...
WHAT HURTS THE MOST- by Monica
Boy, it's been a long time
Since the last time I saw you
Feels like nothin' changed
Since we've been togetherI must admit that I go crazy for you
And I can see it in your eyes
That there's somethin' you want to say to me
'Cause usually right now
You'll be holdin' on to me
But instead you tell me
Things have changed, they're not the same
And recently you found someone that you
Decided to dedicate your whole life to
And what we had is 'bout to be through

CHORUSAnd baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
I know things are different now, you've gone and settled down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait for me
I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took the chance
Boy, wish* you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'd always have your heart
I'd like the chance to have all your love oh, how I'm missing you now

I hate that there is someone new
Comin' in and takin' my place
Doin' the things that we used to do
And giving love to you
And oh, what am I supposed to do
It's killin' me 'cause I want you
And you should have known my love was true
Thought* there's no one else in this world for me but you

But things have changed, they're not the same
And recently you found someone that you
Decided to dedicate your whole life to
And what we had is 'bout to be through(chorus)

BRIDGE: I know that I'm the one to blame for losing you, oh, yeah
I really, really wish that I could be happy for you
There's just one thing I need you to do
Don't you touch her like you used to touch me
Don't you love her like you really need me
Don't you love her like you used to love me

(chorus):What hurts the most, is letting go, but want you to know, I love you so...(2x)

Reflections on relationships

2004-06-08T13:24:00.000+08:00

ARE YOU YOUR BOYFRIEND'S "WIFE"?
Sigh, gals with sweeties, aminin! This article is for you. If I had one of my own, I'd have a hard time respecting the difference too, so I guess it's why I don't have one...yet. Aside from this great article, this is an excellent site. GOD. LIFE. PROGRESSIVE CULTURE.
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/article.php?sid=3710

1 Corinthians 7:33-35 (NIV)33 "But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife-- 34and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how she can please her husband. 35I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

1 Corinthians 7:33-35 (Living Translation)33 "The man who is married cares for the things of the world. He wants to please his wife. 34Married women and women who have never been married are different. The woman who has never been married can spend her time working for the Lord. She wants to please the Lord with her body and spirit. The woman who is married cares for the things of the world. She wants to please her husband. 35I am saying these things to help you. I am not trying to keep you from getting married. I want you to do what is best. You should work for Him without other things taking your time."

Under the weather

2004-06-06T15:41:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling under the weather. I think it's a mix of missing parts of a "happy" past, missing people who are going into new branches in life, and realizing not everyone's lives are closely knit anymore like before. This isn't a whine for attention. It's just my feelings all summed up now.

One of my closest friends, if not my closest, who's actually not into reading, asked me a very good question, "Why do you have an online journal? What's it for ba?" Of course, under normal circumstances, the owner of the blog would feel stung. How dare you! Hehe, but after repeating his question in my head and trying not to feel sore, I realized that what he asked was very relevant.

Why do I have this blog? To make yabang that I make time to write? To prove that I'm not afraid to think out loud on a public portal? To make people want to know me more? To be able to open up?

Initially, I started this blog, to practice my now shabby, confused writing know-how. Thanks to SMS, internet, and dozens of other factors, my grammar is ruined for the next few years. No, really. It's not terrible grammar, but it's good grammar that was once very good then got pulled away from books and all things it should have been fed with. Mom would agree. Let's say she's the type of mom who'll make you repeat a sentence if you don't use a word properly. Go Mom. So I've been going back to books.

Then later on, I realized that reflections on my faith as well as my growth as a person were helpful to write down, doing this helped me approach each day consciously not passively. Every so often, memorable moments with people in my life reveal the most uncanny truths to me and as much as I can, I'll record those truths and share about these wonderful people. This was all for myself at first, not for anyone, I admit, not even for God really. All in all, I summed it up and the purpose of this blog is to record the flow of my life alongside my faith. This blog involves pasting down the daily living of this person named Julia adjacent to her beliefs and standards. The daily living of course includes struggles and trials that make living the belief difficult. As I turn back to the earlier entries, I can more or less see what attributes I have gained or lost through each experience. Of course not every experience of my life is recorded here, just major ones that play a big part.

So as long as this blog fills a vital role in my being able to move forward, grow, and live my faith, it will be online. If I begin using this medium only to vent aimlessly, this becomes excess baggage and I should not make time for it.

Shoes

2004-06-01T13:12:00.000+08:00

Hay naku. I will forever be a sucker for footwear, the reasons why...I don't know. Maybe all vanity that was supposed to base itself on whatever I could have been body-wise travelled towards its last hope, my feet. I had a friend who once said I had nice feet, i actually find them a bit stubby, if not chubby, but they always manage to fit nicely into the most extreme styles of shoes, sandals, or slippers. A pedicure is a must, a manicure i can do without unless some formal function approaches.

Anyway, I have a professed fetish for footwear, so there. This is something i constantly battle with at the mall after payday. Haha, just cared to share. The shoe above is an adidas casual shoe inspired by ballet toe shoes, and below...well, go ahead and think Barbie, while I think...beautiful !

Sick

2004-05-30T02:10:00.000+08:00

It so happens i'm sick I caught a fever, bad headache, and my throat hurts when I swallow. So now my family is at church, and I am at home. Maybe this is God's way of giving me time to think, rest, and pray about what's been bothering me lately which is many things, not just family.

There's lots of stuff to be thankful for. Our new house is almost done, and the golf course of the development is ready for use and pretty soon, so will some horseback riding amenities alongside it. That of course is a dream for me. Soon our pets will be more behaved once we move, this townhouse is kind of getting to them. It makes me happy that my bro will get to grow up in a beautiful Southern community, the one we're moving to. He won't have to experience moving 7 times in his lifetime like I did. By the time he's a teenager, that community will have lots of neighbors to have fun with and will most likely have its own Town Center just like Alabang.
I'm grateful for the generosity of my tita. This townhouse will not be sold and my cousin and I can still stay in it, a singles house sort of . So, for the moment, I don't need to worry about a place to stay in for work in the metro once my family moves South. No rent to pay either, so I can save up.

God is good. I should focus on all the things He has given me. I'm not having an easy time, but He has blessed me with much to be thankful for. My spirit should reflect my gratitude.

He opens a window...

2004-05-27T13:07:00.000+08:00

Unexpectedly, today, God opened a small window of His plan for my future. Two trainees are resigning from the resoration team. Their last day is on Friday. I began having doubts about my own future at this great company. Since March, I've cleaned thousands of frames for the restoration project still being unable to meet the almost impossible deadlines that have been set. Because of the situation of us trainees not hitting our marks even after giving everything we've got, we earn only a small handful for a living. If we had hit the deadline of one movie per week, I'd be rich...ay este, richer by now, however, the set up didn't go as planned. The work is too draining and too detailed to rush.

Upon the submission of my team members' resignation letters, I decided to personally consult with my boss with some advice from Mother dear. I do not want to quit, but neither do I want to be working while being insecure about my income. I asked if the scenario would soon change for me if I stayed with the project, if strategies would improve, or if deadlines would be less daunting. While all my thoughts on the improvement of the restoration project churned, my boss unveiled something I didn't expect would be put on the discussion table, my being chosen to be officially hired.

The pool of trainees will soon, very soon be narrowed down to the handful chosen for a regular payroll. According to my boss, Mr. G himself asked about me in a somewhat hopeful manner, asking if I was doing well and if I would be ready when the time came. Of course, I wasn't sure if this was sincere. I thought maybe just because of Mom's role in advertising Mr. G believed that mom's industry genes had to be in my system, then suddenly the sky broke wide open..."No, no, not at all, in fact I told him, it's evident that you've worked well on this project, and have been consistent. I mentioned to him na more or less, kasama ka na sa mga kukunin namin," my boss reassured.

Suddenly all the "quit" feelings crawled right back into my pocket. A feeling of relief, washed over me as both God's hands rested on my shoulders. My boss was discouraging me to consider other job options, through this he was telling me to wait, dahil malapit na daw ang next milestone, ang pagtanggap sa akin bilang isang tunay na empleyado.
God is good, I'm kind of nervous for the new things I will be learning very soon, but I know He promises joy to all Who trust in Him.

Skeletons

2004-05-27T01:30:00.000+08:00

Job 10:1-2

To Find Some Skeleton in My Closet

1"I can't stand my life--I hate it!
-I'm putting it all out on the table, all the bitterness of my life--I'm holding back nothing."2Job prayed:
"Here's what I want to say:
Don't, God, bring in a verdict of guilty
without letting me know the charges you're bringing.

Infatuated with the Savior

2004-05-25T16:05:00.000+08:00

I accompanied my cousin to his co-ed Bible study today somewhere in Katipunan, as soon as I got home from work. Unlike most Bible studies, I found this one was quite different. First off, the location was a house that's been turned into a place of ministry, particularly for teens and young adults seeking the Lord. We were led up to the second floor and were prompted to remove our footwear at the top of the stairs. I entered the small "upper room" which was carpeted, to find a small group of around 20 young men and women, college students mostly, seated randomly in a circle on the floor. At the head of the circle was a caucasian man, who later I would learn was Bro. Phillip.

The subject for tonight was the different soils of growth for people exposed to God's Word. It began with the parable of the farmer sowing seeds which starts in Luke 8:4. What especially affected me tonight was a comparison that Phillip asked us to make between "infatuation" and "true love", two topics commonly spoken about among people my age.

The answers were obvious. Infatuation is a highly conditional state of mind which consists of the forming of and admiration of an image or picture represented by someone that we have encountered. True love involves enjoying or delighting in someone for the complete person that they are beyond the picture they first project, complete meaning inclusive of traits that may even shatter the ideal images we have formed based on them and expectations of them. An infatuation is shifty and cannot last, because it floats on altering inner desires and circumstances. As we grow, learn, and change, infatuations change too. True love chooses to love, commits to love, and does not shift, no matter what the circumstances are.

Suddenly, the two points were taken into a different perspective. Each was aligned to our relationship with God. The problem that most Christians who do not grow have is that...they are merely "infatuated" with God. The idea of being holy, the idea of being loved, the idea of being saved, and even the idea of being awed for our Christlike reputation lures us into an infatuation with God...an expectation of what a relationship with Him can do for us, can make people see in us. Then, our so called "love" stops more or less exactly when we realize He wants us to go deeper for Him regardless of circumstance. When His desire for us leads us out of our "pretty picture", we get turned off or burned out, then once more, we lose the fire, and become complacent.

What would it take in my life to kill this infatuation I have with my Savior and turn it into real love? It would have to begin with my finding out what He wants for me, and what He wants me to do. It would have to begin with an intimate exploration of Who He is and what His unshakeable principles are. It would have to begin with more time for just me and Him, time alone with nothing between us except the conversation of two beings who delight in one another's company and would not want to be anywhere else. It would have to begin with my recognizing His voice so that when He calls, I'll come running without a doubt that it's Him. What are the other steps you suddenly take, as you unconsciously fall in love with someone? Well, ho ho, look over there...to those people who've been scorched by the flames of love, remember how you first fell? What did it take, what did you give, and how did you fan the flame?

How would it feel if you were to know the fire of love burned within you so hot for someone, yet that one who said she/he loves you back is obviously lukewarm and unsure? For others, how did it feel to be loved back lukewarmly, didn't you realize it might be better if they didn't pretend they loved you back the same way? God feels the same way about me:
Revelation 3:15-17"15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. "
I want to fall in love all over again, with Him. I want this crush to turn into a reality. Jesus is in love with me, who He made me to be, whether or not His love is unrequited. I am not yet in love. I'm still dating Him again.

So in your Spiritual love life, are you infatuated, or in love?

Discretion

2004-05-25T01:00:00.000+08:00

Beginning now, I will be writing with restraint when it comes to details about work, details meaning names, company names, positions, places etc. These will all be shown in codes or abbreviations. I allowed mom, who's in advertising, to have a look at my articles and of course...after correcting a phrase or two of grammar, she warned me repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly about the details I divulged in some of my stories here.

This is something new I have to learn. Basically, my life is almost like an open book, but I have to remember my life involves other people's lives as well. Some of what I write here could be used to spread wrong information or information that shouldn't be spread in the first place, if I'm not careful. I apologize to those who have read already my first few articles if you have noticed my being careless, with names, people and places. The articles have already been edited and are fit for viewing. No one will have a clue as to who exactly I am referring to, what place, or what company unless you know me personally and have talked with me on certain subjects.
The industry i work in is a dog eat dog world. I don't want to be the cause of conflict. Sorry that I wasn't careful from the start. I will be from now on.

P.S. Nothing in particular took place, it's just that mom's warning freaked me out. Moms can do that you know She's right anyway.

Fear

2004-05-23T14:00:00.000+08:00

Our family just arrived from Greenbelt. The four of us watched Shrek 2. I'm quite tuckered out, didn't do much today, but my spirit has been doing the rounds. Thoughts try to plague me out of focus. My emotions are all over the place, and I'm afraid. I know I shouldn't be. I will take courage. I will continue praying.

Gollum

2004-05-22T14:30:00.000+08:00

"Bend an ear, God; answer me.
I'm one miserable wretch!
Keep me safe -- haven't I lived a good life?
Help your servant, I'm depending on you!
You're my God; have mercy on me.
I count on you from morning to night.
Give your servant a happy life;
I put myself in your hands!
You're well-known as good and forgiving/,
big hearted to all those who ask for help.
Pay attention God, to my prayer; bend down
and listen to my cry for help.
Everytime I'm in trouble I'll call on you,
confident that you'll answer." Psalms 86:1-7

Whew...today was ok. At work, it was the same old, same old, but I wanted to clean some more frames! I didn't want to have to leave early. Then I remembered I had a meeting with my discipler, Jen, at dinnertime.

What's a discipler? To me, Jen is an older (sorry Jen ) more Spiritually mature Christian who commits to me and vice versa for moral accountability and is someone who helps me grow and not just sit pretty being passive. I've known her since I was 14, I met her at a Christian youth camp, she was my cabin counselor, and to this day I can still remember her shushing me and my friend in the middle of the night coz we were talking and talking and talking about this wonderful guy who swept me off my tootsies. Haha, good times, good times...

We had a good time over some "Een-dih-yan" food. Jen was able to help me see more clearly regarding some personal issues I have pending, quite a "some" actually . I realize that I have been unable to grow Spiritually in many aspects because of my refusal to fully drop the whole package of issues into God's loving hands without my making "himas-himas" (stroking and petting) pa rin the whole package coz I don't want to lose touch of it. It's not one particular thing, boyz and galz, it's a lot of stuff. Trust God. Two words that are so very clear, yet so difficult to apply. It's true. Trusting God, easier said than done for this lowly mortal.

This day, and maybe not even just today, even a few days before this, painfully but surely God has been laying out these issues in front of me and telling me that what I know, what I think, what I desire, remains outside of what He has planned for my future. This clearly means, I have no idea what His plan is, and I have not even come close to seeking it, coz I had my own plans since my teens. He won't share this magnum opus of a plan with me, if I don't say I'm interested, if I don't admit that His blueprint is better than mine. The more I go on without Him, all the more disappointment will await me. This is all talk, as I talk to you, I talk to myself. This is all meaningless, unless the next step happens, which is the hardest...because it is the first. This is what it is: to leave everything I hold so dear to me "my rrrrrrrrrrrreciousssssessss" (you see, talo ko pa si Smeagol, plural pa) "precioussssessssuuussessss", alright enough...ahrrm, to lay all these at His feet and watch His hand point in the direction He chooses for me and to walk in that direction step by step without looking back at what I lay at His feet wondering what He did with it. When I see Him point, that is my road to everlasting blessing, fulfillment, and joy.

Pray for me, friends, this isn't easy. Actually it's the consistency and perseverance that isn't easy to acquire. I pray for this, I yearn for it. May all of you with me, struggle to trust in Him, no matter what. It's the struggle that proves that we love Him, the struggle resulting in progress. No turning back but moving forward for renewed hope. I'll stop here. There's more I have to do than say.

Breakfast

2004-05-21T14:00:00.000+08:00

"Oh teach us to live well! Teach us to live wisely and well! Come back, God -- how long do we have to wait? -- and treat your servants with kindness for a change. Surprise us with love at daybreak, then we'll skip and dance all the day long. Make up for the bad times with some good times; we've seen enough evil to last a lifetime. Let your servants see what you're best at -- the ways you rule and bless your children. And let the loveliness of our Lord, our God, rest on us, confirming the work that we do. Oh, yes. Affirm the work that we do!"
Psalm 90:12-18

Voila, I am here at work, but my shift is done, it was done 4 hours ago. Why am I still here? My whole family went to the beach without me coz I couldn't find a valid reason to take a leave from work just to go the beach.

It's okay, I've been to the beach with them many times, plus I find, that at my age nowadays, although I enjoy my family's beloved company, going to the beach with no one my age to talk to has gotten a bit bland. What usually happens is mom curls up with her book and leaves this planet for hours, dad sleeps, and sleeps, and sleeps while my 7 year old of a brother gallops to and fro across the shoreline. At outings like that I only begin thinking about myself and some personal things as I stare across a great expanse of sand and ocean, and I don't like digging up what I know I would if I was there.

Today was haywire! Not bad, but it began with a rather stressful fiasco. Of course, I must have woken up on the wrong side of my bed considering that when I got to the office I did something extremely idiotic. I chose to appease Dianne's intense craving for breakfast with 5 phone digits: 8 ----, failing to learn from my past experience where I was told the competing fast food chain had a long-term contract with our production outlet Our janitor gave us a bad scolding after hearing we were waiting for a delivery and he said that we, I especially, know that one of our main bosses is no where near impartial to the brand we ordered inside the compound, in fact he is "sungit" (grouchy) about the idea.

I have no idea why I had to ask for a delivery from a competing client...I must have been half asleep. In the first few thoughts I had, somewhere in there was the idea that we were early at 8am (bosses come at 930) and the delivery could come while no one was in yet. What a risk. The rider was late...it was past 9 and still no sight of that delivery. I called to cancel the delivery but the operator confirmed that the rider was out and on his way already....nyahhhhh. People began showing up, we launched the only plan that could save our trainee asses. I began to hyperventilate as I told Hector and Dianne to guard the driveway entrance to our office, and I would guard the driveway entrance to the compound's main office (same compound, other side).
Ugh, all the bosses' cars were arriving, some of the owners staring as I stood texting at the driveway entrance.

The conclusion of that hullabaloo was Dianne and Hector swapping posts with me, me greeting our department boss with a very warm good morning while my hand rattled with my cellphone waiting for Dianne and Hec to say "D2 na!", when they did, they waved the rider over to a corner carinderia outside the compound and we ate our victory beneath the safety of a totally different establishment. Never again, hayyyyy, never again...
Okay today's tally stands at a whopping 4000 frames, technically though, that didn't end up being the case. I had finished a whole clip that amounted to 2000 frames by lunch. Heaving a huge sigh of achievement, I parted with my workstation for an online break. Clackety-clack, back to my workstation, i decide to render the clip. Lo and behold, the program does something unexpected and in addition to it, I daze out and overwrite the cleaned file by renaming another file the wrong way! My whole half day... gone, the render was unsuccessful and it had overwritten the 2000 frames I had cleaned. Growling with irritation, I say "HAYYYYY"...and start again, at twice the speed and with probably 200 brushstrokes less. In 2 hours, after clips of Triumph the Insult-Comment interview dog from Conan O' Brien's show plays in the neighboring workstation, I again finish the same set of 2000 frames, which could have very well been the next clip if not for my carelessness.

Whew...I'll be heading home soon. Needed to get this whole day out of me and onto screen. Hope you had a saner day! I forgot to pray when I woke up.
julia

aggghhhhh...

2004-05-20T14:00:00.000+08:00

Alright! Alright! Sorry the last post was about work again, haha i just noticed a pattern forming as I clicked "submit". Honestly, all my EXTREMELY personal posts are actually personally scribed in a real notebook, which I haven't touched in a few weeks coz nothing extremely personal has been happenin, family and friends have been running around like cockroaches, just like me. Oh well, hectic. Yewww, cockroaches...

Hints of my innermost humanity will be here from time to time. On days when I feel like rambling, my fingers will fly across this battered keyboard regardless of fatigue. Right now, I guess I can ramble just a bit (now I realize why it isn't advisable to share this link with family members...you restrain yourself, haha). I'll say now that my family is not very "whole" at the moment...mom, if you're reading this, this is as far as it gets, dooont vorri. Well, then again, try telling me about one family that is perfectly whole. I thought so. So please just keep us in your prayers .

I realized a lack of life skills considering my age, which I have narrowed down to: drive, cook, and clean. The cooking part I managed to tackle abroad last September, in Europe where there's no household help to interfere by cleaning up the ingredients of your dish while you haven't even finished using them ...that ruins momentum you know. However, that was only for 3 months, and I didn't enjoy cleaning out the cupboard of my tita just to practice cooking abroad where everything costs much more. The driving part is a long story...some hindrances/tensions that always get in the way just when I'm about to complete my application. Anyway driving is A on the list, kulang nalang TIN # ko. Cleaning, i've actually done already, I'm ok with my own things. They aren't a mess. Whew for that, but I guess I could be better generally in terms of applying my organizing know-how to the household. I'm quite selfish, hehe, and I lack initiative. If my turf is fine, I can live with it. This shouldn't be the case of course, my heart must expand...wouldn't be surprised if I was the 4th cousin of the Grinch.

I pray my heart expands, and I pray for a spirit of gentleness over a spirit of criticism.

Shifting

2004-05-20T13:30:00.000+08:00

Today, our 3-team work shifts have been changed. From 3 shifts of 8 hours each (10am-6pm, 6pm-2pm, 2pm-10am), they lessened it to 2 shifts. Now the hours are for AM 8-4, and for PM 4-12, 5 artists per shift. That seems even more reasonable, more so for the computers that have been crashing throughout the whole week due to 24/7 hour use.
I completed an estimate of 2700 frames today, that's a clip and a half. It's been pretty tiring. I
am kaput. I start tomorrow at 8am.

I miss everyone in my life, guess that means you too huh

j u l i a . . .

Rendering...

2004-05-19T02:00:00.000+08:00

"Repeat these basic essentials over and over to God's people. Warn them before God against pious nitpicking, which chips away at the faith. It just wears everyone out. Concentrate on doing your best for God, work you won't be ashamed of, laying out the truth plain and simple. Stay clear of pious talk that is only talk. Words are not mere words, you know. If they're not backed by a godly life, they accumulate as poison in the soul."
2 Timothy 2:14-18

I did more walking today at the office, but managed to squeeze in around 600 frames afterwards prior to leaving. The two new trainees under my supervision ( I'm just a trainee who's been here longer) are so thoughtful, their names are Hec and Dianne. They went out for lunch this afternoon and I stayed behind to fix what remained of the erroneous clip formats. When they came back, they had bought me a small gift, a cute pink CD case that could contain all of FOUR cds . Haha, it comes complete with cute designs and a carrying strap . Earlier that morning, Hector gave me some Godiva chocolates, he really is a sweetie, even if he does come packaged with Rejoice hair longer than mine. He is a man to love. Having workmates like them during the day makes this mile all the more worth going.

Today our engineers brought in two more extremely stable computers, and the airconditioning had apparently been repaired. Lots of the other artists like hanging out in our room, and today I felt something new. I looked around at all us young artists who were laughing and telling jokes while working on whatever we had, most of us being fresh graduates from Ateneo Bicol, UP (Me=UP ), and overwhelmingly Benilde. Something clicked, something was fun, and something made me want to stay longer at the office. Shortly before I left, I caught up with the chief eng'r on the way out and said "Salamat sa inyo sa pag-ayos ng kuwarto" he smiled back meekly "Job naman namin yun ".

The handful of senior artists currently in our office are people I enjoy talking to and exchanging ideas with. I think they await the day when I won't have questions to ask them . Our directors mingle with the artists, and I find it especially fascinating to talk with them, particularly one of the direks (sorry confidential), who shares that he has been reading the Bible out of sheer interest and has reached Leviticus already. Sir E, one of our senior artists, one of our best, is a historical civilization freak and Tolkien master. I sat back and listened the other day as the two discussed Troy...because Sir E had read the Odyssey and the Iliad from cover to cover and Direk wanted to know more details about what "really" happened at Troy. After the expansion of the Hittites, the significant difference between Romans and Greeks, and the horse a Pinoy viewer thought was named Troy, the topic shifted to Tolkien. Direk regaled me (me lowly, unoffical artist!) with the time he bought his girlfriend the Arwen Evenstar necklace and that when he sported it while at a mall, some person came near and gasped "Is that!?...is that??..." and he spared that LOTR fan the inconvenience by smiling and saying "Yes it is ".
I'm beginning to like it where I work. There are highly seasoned artists and there's a welcome streak for young people fresh out of school which affirms the company has an eye for talent and not just for profit. Mr. G, our Big Boss can most likely be tracked down once or twice a week to the 2d room personally looking over the shoulders of me and my comrades asking questions about the work we're doing, if the room is ok...or if there's anything we need. Most bosses today, you don't even get to meet til you've been awarded, promoted to the position next to them, or the like.

I can't wait till tomorrow. I'll be within walking distance of Burger Machine and in the company of my artist friends sharing the same errors of mistaking either Ruffa's moles, Gabby's facial hair, or Maricel Laxa's sweat beads for unwanted dirt and scratches. I think I may be getting somewhere. I pray so. He hears me

P.S. re: First Correspondence

2004-05-17T15:19:00.001+08:00

P.S. For today. Not all my entries will be about work. It's just that today was all about it. At the moment, I struggle with being content where I am. I know others who are making so much more with much less work, then I guess...maybe I have to appreciate the value of the output I give. I haven't given much yet, time yes, but all-out sacrifice...far from it. I can learn to work harder, I can show them I'm not all about the money. I hope in their eyes I can become a worker who delights in what she does, not what she's getting for it. I'm not yet that worker.

First Correspondence

2004-05-17T15:19:00.000+08:00

So here begins my first correspondence with you :) Hi there. Many usually say, where do I begin? I guess I'll begin with today.
At the post production office where I work, I, at 21, am currently part of a great undertaking. The first project of its kind locally, we have begun to digitally restore some of the Philippines' old classic movies, I won't say which ones here for fear of breech of confidentiality =P. These films after being digitally restored will be authored for distribution as DVDs, locally and internationally. So yes, even subtitling has been performed for the completion of the project.
Where am I in all this? You'll most likely find me in what our office calls the "2d" Room, a room filled with computer workstations set up for a heavy amount of 2D graphic work. Seated in a regulated climate of 20 degrees Celsius below with one hand manning a pen tablet and the other clattering hotkeys, I work. I am part of a fellowship of 9 artists who digitally remove spots, scratches, stains, and unwanted elements from digital clips of Filipino masterpieces (listening to you laugh about "masterpieces"). Well, they are . Oh did i mention, we tackle the movies, frame by frame, and you did know that a movie runs at 30 frames per second
I was the first trainee hired for the restoration team, that was during the 2nd week of March this year. The bosses expect us to meet the quota of a movie per week, which of course we aren't making. All credit is due where the hardware lies, those unstable workstations. Imagine having your program crash on you on the most wonderful function, the "Save" function. Sir E, a senior artist and good friend of mine at work said "Hahaha, it's like you decided to drive without brakes, no use, you can't stop." Upon saving,the program creates a temp file that you can't even open, which leads me to question the logic of these computers. Something even more stupendous is, your digital brushstrokes not registering even after saving . Hmmm the compensation you ask? The compensation for this trainee is allocated per movie. So if we don't finish a movie due to our own delays, we don't get paid yet. It's a mighty small sum for the hours, but I feel something special about this kind of work. I admit at times it doesn't feel special, but overall I believe it is. I could be earning more, but good people close to me tell me that opportunities this genuine shouldn't be wasted. The work itself is of high value, even if it isn't in Phps.
Today, i did not complete my thousands of frames in debt due to a rendering booboo the whole team made. For the past weeks, we rendered our completed clean clips in the wrong format because of a boss advising us to use a format that wasn't compatible. So today...i took charge of correcting all the wrong rendered clips, I just couldn't stand the thought of 9 people correcting a common mistake that 9 people made, simply chaotic! It wasn't difficult, but it took a lot of walking. I was in and out of a lot of rooms because of dumping (transferring through network) the corrected files from the different comps to the editor's workstation.
Ho well, I was just so game to clean today, but then this. Our technical guy explained the mistake to me. I was so tense...i thought my track record was on the line, turns out I wasn't the only one confused by the various formats. I'm still on probation period in the company, so any mistake makes me jitter. Tomorrow, i should be able to correct the other group of clips and hopefully begin peacefully cleaning again. I pray that the engineers find a solution to our workstations crashing. The newer trainees find it very discouraging.
I pray God blesses you tonight.